Christmas aftermath

Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

We spent a large part of the day at home in the living room opening presents and munching on turkey sandwiches (mmmm honey turkey from Honeybaked Ham Company). Later, we travelled about 50 miles to spend the evening with some friends, who I'll call the Baggin's family.

Bilbo Baggins is Moo's best friend and was his best man at our wedding. Bilbo has an 18 year old son, Frodo, who was home on leave from the Navy. He also has a 6 year old daugther, Tallahassee. Bilbo's wife, Spanky, and I scrapbook together on occasion. Overall, these are good people and I'm glad they are in our life.

Last night, Tallahassee and I were sitting together on the couch watching Frodo playing Guitar Hero when I asked her if she knew that we were going to have a baby. She said yes and then asked me if she could hold the baby when it came. I told her of course she could. This seemed to make her very happy.

Today, I was supposed to go back to work, but I am sooooo sick. I almost barfed when I smelled the toothpaste. I couldn't do it. I am so sick, but again the strange thing is that I'm hungry. A little while ago, I fixed some macaroni and cheese, but then I barfed it right back up. Mostly Coke with ice stays down, which confirms why I'm glad that I stayed home today, since the ice machine is down more often than not.

I've got to make an attempt to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to burn up a lot of my PDO now when I will probably need it later.

Pregnancy question of the Day

How the hell is it possible to be nauseous and starving at the same time? hmm???

Merry Christmas!

I rarely remember my dreams. Or at least before I was pregnant, I rarely remembered. Now, I have crazy ass dreams almost every night. Last night, I was going to a hospital to get 3 root canals. I was a little excited about it and really looking forward to it.

Crazy, right?

I have to work today, Christmas Eve, which really fricking sucks. It's difficult for me to believe that anyone will have to complete their payroll on Christmas eve, but there are dumb asses everywhere.

Next Christmas, I'll be delighted in showing my baby all the joys of Christmas. It's not likely that she'll understand - you know only being 5 months old - but I imagine that she'll like the lights and noise.

Merry Christmas to all!

Where I am.

I started tapering off the Effexor on Sunday.

I have to say that I didn't feel any side effects at all that day. Generally, if I miss a dose, I get really jittery and my lips go numb and I hear a lot of white noise in my head. But I didn't feel any of these side effects on Sunday.

I am under a doctor's care during this tapering down. I called my medical doctor and told him that I'd been advised to taper off by the midwife at the OB/GYN. I was told to start off with a half dose (I currently take 75mg) every 4-5 days for a week or two and then decrease the days in between from there.

On another note, I have an appointment on January 8 with a perinatologist for the nuchal translucency test. This test will determine if the baby has any indication of down's syndrome or other chromosomal problems. The cool part of this is that it will be the first look we have at the bean! I'll be right at 12 weeks then, so we still probably won't know the sex.

I also found out the results of the bloodwork from last week. My HCG was 12,472 and the progesterone was 13.6 - both within the guidelines of a good pregnancy at this point.

As for how I'm feeling - sigh... I'm exhausted. I fall asleep at my desk at least twice a day. I sleep first thing when I get to work for about 20 minutes and then take a 40-50 minute nap at lunch. I can't stand peppermint and I'm craving iceberg lettuce.

I'm experiencing some morning sickness, but it's more like a mild river of nausea flowing through my world. Basically, I'm nauseated all the time. I can nibble on something and it stops, but within a half hour to hour, it's back. I have to eat something within 20-30 minutes of waking or I am sick as a dog all day.

A Major Change is coming

When I went to the doctor the other day, the midwife, Michael, encouraged me to begin to ramp down on the Effexor. At the time, I felt positive, but as I thought about it, I decided that I wouldn't scale down. I didn't think pregnancy, especially as anxious as I been, would be a good time to come off the Effexor.

Having done a little research and thought through it, I've changed my mind again.
While Effexor seems to show no signs of causing long term problems or birth defects, when taken during the last trimester, Effexor can cause the newborn baby to suffer from withdrawl and have side effects at birth such as lethargy, crying, not sleeping or feeding well.

So, I have decided that the best choice would be to slowly ramp down from my current dosage of 75mg daily to 37.5 mg daily and from there, slowly ramp down to nothing. I have to admit I'm pretty scared to do this. I dread the withdrawal but I don't want my baby to have this stuff in her bloodstream.

I was put on this med on the day that my mom passed away - am I holding on to it as a crutch? Or do I really need it?

It's Official!

Went to the doctor yesterday and now it's official!

I'm 6-1/2 weeks pregnant and have a due date of July27, 2008.

I'm considered to be of Advanced Maternal Age - didn't feel old til they said that! - so this will be one of the most monitored babies ever!

I met with a midwife named Michael. No physical examination this time - just a pregnancy urine test and a blood test to check my progesterone levels. Since I'm old and high risk, I'll be having some additional testing to be sure that the baby is ok. The first tests will be during the 12-14 week period. I'm being referred to a perionatologist to conduct these tests. Hopefully, I can avoid an amniocentis by having these non-invasive tests.

They don't want me to gain more than 9-12 pounds. My mom - who was large when she was pregnant with me - actually lost nearly 50 pounds and I was a normal sized baby. Michael said as long as the baby is growing the way it needs to, then weight loss is ok.


So, we told my in-laws over the Thanksgiving holiday. They were elated! I think they were thinking that we might never give them a grandchild.

Meanwhile, Moo and I are beginning to make plans and think through things related to the baby. Moo has always been convinced that he'd have a girl, so I've mostly been thinking it's a girl. It will still be a few months before we know for sure, but somehow a girl seems appropriate.

So far, we're going with Phoebe Elizabeth or Zoe Jane for a girl. Boy names seem to be trouble - Moo doesn't like anything I throw out there.

The Fine Print

According to the software version of TCOYF, my due date is July 26, 2008 with a range of July 18 until August 4 as an acceptable delivery date range.

How am I feeling? I felt pukey this morning. There was a few minutes there that I was checking out the placement of every waste paper basket as I walked thru the office. Otherwise, I'm ok.

Why did I decide to do the pregnancy test?
  1. My period was late - in and of itself this isn't a guarantee with me that something should be checked. I went 47 days without a period when I had an ovarian cyst a few months ago. Additionally, I've skipped periods in the past. But over the last few months, it's been pretty reliable.
  2. I've been very weepy lately. I cry at the drop of a hat right now. Not at all like me. I'm more of an angry woman than a weepy woman. Over the last couple of weeks, I've sobbed like a baby over coffee commercials, sermons on podcasts, and the lack of toothpaste in the house.
  3. I feel "full" - not like I usually do when it's time for my period, but a little lower and a little less unpleasant.
  4. I'm peeing more often. I only pee like 3 or 4 times a day. Once in the morning when I get up, once around lunch time and once after I get home from work. I must have a bladder the size of Minneapolis. However, lately, I've gotten quite uncomfortable if I try to delay getting to the potty. Not like, "I will die from the pain of a bladder infection" kind of discomfort, but more like, "I really need to move towards the potty in the very near future" kind of discomfort.
  5. I had a "feeling" that I should check.

I took a nap on Sunday afternoon and when I awoke, I thought "I need to take a pregnancy test. Thank goodness I have two of them!" At the time I took it, I think I was thinking more like I usually do when I test that it would be confirmation that my body isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing and I just need to keep an eye on things.

When I saw the pregnancy test, I had a hard time understanding what I was looking at. I usually see "NOT PREGNANT" on this type of test and at first, I couldn't understand where the NOT was. But the NOT was noticeably absent. At this point, I called Moo to come downstairs.

"Hey Moo. You need to come down here right now."

Moo comes down the stairs from the bedroom. I point at the bathroom. "You need to look at that and tell me what it means".

Moo told me later that he walked in expecting to see the squirrel that's been running laps in our attic dead in the bathroom. Instead, he saw a small test kit with PREGNANT in the window.

I want to tell everyone!

This is terrible.

I want to tell the whole world that I'm knocked up! Why am I too frightened? I've told my boss and I've told a couple of people close to me here at work that knew that I was trying to conceive. Moo wants to wait until the end of the first trimester I think.. how will I live until then!?!?

We're going to Moo's parent's house for the Thanksgiving holiday and I'm gonna be jumping to tell them. I've always had this fantasy of how I was going to break the news to my parents and my inlaws.

I would have a copy of the first ultrasound picture in a beautiful little frame and then wrap up the frame. As my mother/mother in law, open up the little frame, I'd watch the confusion as they look at the weird picture in the frame and then as comprehension became apparent, I'd say "guess what? We're PREGNANT!!"

Since we won't be able to visit Moo's parents at Christmas and because I won't have the first ultrasound until at least January my little plans aren't working like I wanted. We'll probably still tell them since there's no way in hell that I'll be able to keep my mouth shut and that'll have to be good enough.

Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo!

Ok now that I'm thinking a little more logically. HOLY CHRIST! I'm PREGNANT!!! This is the most unbelievable thing EVER!! Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo!

Much better.

Moo has been using the testosterone gel - it looks like snot and smells like rubbing alcohol - for just a couple of weeks. According to our doc, this stuff is supposed to take 6-8 MONTHS for full effectiveness and could take that long before Moo's sperm count is up to snuff.

However, with that in mind, it's important to remember that it only takes one SPERM to fight his way thru the mighty tundra of my hoo-ha!

Back on November 1, I experienced some significant cervical mucus. I mean, this stuff stretched 6 inches and was snot like in consistency. Just perfect according to TCOYF. So of course, I jumped Moo as soon as I got him home.

And the result is the tiny blob now chugging thru my hoo-ha for the next 8 months or so. 4 weeks... only 36 to go!


Excuse me while I go change my undies. These are full of fecal matter.

Happy birthday Daddy!

My dad would be 67 today. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2002 from complications of diabetes.

He was born to Alonza Melvin and Ruby Grace Hope Melvin. He was the oldest of five children and took care of his younger siblings while his parents ecked out a living as farmers in south Georgia. He was 6'6" and, for most of his youth, was skinny as a beanpole. Dad said that when he went into the Air Force in 1960 that he weighed in at 170 pounds.

Later, after I was born, he ballooned up to around 280 and it was during this time that he was diagnosed with diabetes. It ran in his family - his grandmother and mother both had it and his brother was later diagnosed. The first 20 years, it ran largely unchecked - his docs gave his grief about it and my mom nagged him incessantly about his weight and eating.

About 5 years before he died, he stepped on a metal hook at work. It didn't bleed and his company nurse determined that it didn't require stitches. 3 weeks later, he was near death. While the wound didn't bleed, it went quite deep and became infected and this was exacerbated by diabetes. After several weeks, gangrene required the removal of 2 toes - I called them the ring toe and the bird toe.. think about it, you know which two they are.

6 months later, a mere blister on his heel progressed to the point that he required removal of the leg up to 2 inches below the knee. At the same time, a heart rhythm problem that my dad had had since birth. For most of his life, it was dormant. Something that the doctors monitored but otherwise caused no problems. However, the double attack of unchecked diabetes and serious illness accelerated the problem to near heart failure. Other diabetes related diseases came then including kidney failure resulting in my dad being put on dialysis. Dad was also put on a waiting list for a heart/pancreas/kidney transplant.

Dialysis put a strain on the heart and isn't as effective in diabetics so it must be done more frequently for longer periods.

My dad's heart wasn't strong enough and on June 28, 2002, he went into cardiac arrest and died.

My dad was one of the smartest people I've ever known. He read extensively. My dad believed in careful thought before stating a belief. Therefore, it was incredibly hard to change his mind about something.

My dad taught me to never be a sheep - because sheep are sometimes led to slaughter. By this, he meant don't just follow the crowd, make sure it's the right thing to do.

He was a proud man and I know he was proud of me.

I miss you daddy.

I think it's working!!

I've been taking glucophage for about a month now. While I still have trouble remembering the 3rd pill in the evenings and I am still overcome by bouts of diarrhea and/or nausea at times, I am beginning to stabilize.

But the part that's exciting is the secretions!!!

I am a new proponent of the Fertility Awareness Method as taught by Toni Weschel in the book and software called "Taking Charge of your Fertility". Because of this, I've been using her methods in tracking my cycles.

If you are squeamish about the human body and it's natural functions in GREAT DETAIL, then stop here and have a nice day.

Toni discusses cervical fluid in great detail in her book. She explains that it has many incarnations and all of them tell us something about where we are in our cycle and what it means to our fertility. For the last few days, I've experienced cervical fluid for the first time! While it was mostly the "creamy" non-fertile fluid (I think I may have missed the fertile "egg white" fluid), it's the first time I've seen this.

Going to the bathroom is VERY exciting!!

Houston, we have a problem

Moo has diabetes. He found out last week. I am in shock. Yes, I know that he's overweight. But he doesn't have the family history I have. I've had a grandfather, both grandmothers, uncles on both sides and a dad all with serious diabetes. Diabetes took out my maternal grandmother and my dad. Well more specifically, dialysis as a result of kidney failure that was a result of diabetes. Neither of their hearts - grandmother's was weakened due to diabetes and numerous heart attacks, dad due to a problem that he'd probably had since birth - could take the strain of dialysis. Further more, dialysis isn't as effective for diabetics so they often have to undergo longer, more frequent treatments.

Moo is being incredibly accepting of the whole thing. He's jumped into learning more about the disease, testing his blood, questioning the food he puts into his mouth, etc. I have to say I'm incredibly proud of him. If I got home tonight and he was on the couch in a fetal position, I'd still be proud of him. Of course, I, in typical bitchy behaviour, told him that if he didn't take care of himself that I'd leave him. I gave him permission to do the same to me.

It's not that I'm not sympathetic. I mean, I always thought it would be ME in this position. Not Moo. And having the type of experience with DM (diabetes mellitus) that I do, I'm well aware of the implications. But being Moo's biggest fan gives me certain permission to kick his ass on occasion. I won't let him feel sorry for himself. In the words of the Secret - diabetes is a result of who you were, not of who you will be. Additionally, in kicking his ass, I kick my own. I can't very well bitch at him for not taking care of himself if I don't try to make the same changes.

At the same time that Moo got this bit of news, he also got the news that his testosterone is low. This is an additional factor in why we aren't pregnant. Moo is being put on a testosterone patch, a med for high triglycerides (often the smoke before the fire) and glucophage. He's also testing his blood 4x at day for the next month.

As for me, I think that the glucophage is working. I've ramped up on two pills really well, but keeping forgetting the evening pill. Much of the tummy trouble has passed with my only going a couple times a day now. Now this is still a lot to me - I'm used to going 3-4 times a WEEK.

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad

Had my parents lived and not divorced, they would have been married 39 years today.

Don't let anyone fool you. The divorce of your parents at any age is difficult. I was 29 when my parents got divorced and it was rough on all of us.

Truthfully, I don't know why they stayed married as long as they did. They got married September 20, 1968 in the living room of my Uncle Larry and Aunt Bunny. They separated June 1998 after my grandmother passed away and divorced December 1999.

On their first anniversary, my father asked my mother what she wanted as an anniversary present to which my mom responded "A divorce". A scant month later, I was on the way and my mom's request wasn't granted.

The first decade of their marriage was passionate. They fought a lot and they loved a lot. I still remember seeing my dad kissing my mom. The second decade, it's like the love was gone. They fought constantly and viciously. The threat of divorce was ever present. However, in the last decade, they mellowed and were more like roommates than a married couple.

I think that deep down, they did love each other. When my dad died in 2002, my mom was grieved. She wanted to go to the service both to support me and to honor my father. But she felt, rightly so, that my dad's family would be nasty to her and she really didn't want to cause a scene.

A few days before she died, mom was in the middle of one the last periods when she was awake and sort of making sense. The cancer had reached her brain and most of the time, she was pretty addled. She was talking to me and Moo when suddenly she said "Your dad went to the store and he's been gone a really long time. I wonder when he'll be back?" My dad had been dead for almost 2 years at this point and I did what any person would do. I told her he was ok and that he had run into someone he knew and was talking - something that my dad did on a regular basis. She said, "Well go tell him to hurry on up home." I told her I'd go tell him and I left the hospice for the evening. I prayed as I went home that my dad was watching out for her.

Happy anniversary momma and daddy... I miss you both so much.


(warning: Poop will be discussed in this entry. If you are quesy or unable to read about other's pooping habits, please turn back now)

I started taking Metformin AKA Glucophage this morning. Per my previous post, my OB/GYN thinks that most of my issues are from PCOS and PCOS as we've learned is the probable reason for my weird periods, lack of ovulation and long luxurious beard.

Metformin is a drug that you do not want to start suddenly. Per WebMD - the greatest medical website for hypochondriacs like me - side effects may include:
"Nausea, stomach upset, diarrhea, or a metallic taste in the mouth may occur at first as your body adjusts to the medication."

So, right now, I'm nauseous, have pooped 3 times this morning and have a weird metallic taste in my mouth - kinda like I've been sucking on aluminum foil all morning.

I think i'm nauseous mostly because of the metallic taste. It's nasty and even a Coke - my beloved drug of choice - isn't covering up the taste very well.

As for the poop, it would seem that my body is teleporting poop from 3 other people. The total poop output is WAY more than the food input. And this isn't the type of diarhea that you think you can just poop a couple times and then be done with it. This is the type of poop that you hold on and brace for impact. The type of poop that you wonder what will pass from your nether regions.

Funny as Hell

Funny as hell

Knowing is half the battle...

I got a call from my OB/GYN office today. It was the nurse for my gyno. They got my blood work results from the 21 day progesterone tests. It appears that I am not ovulating.

The first step in all this is to start Metformin - otherwise known as Glucophage. It's a drug primarily for Diabetes treatment, but there's been a good bit of success in using it with PCOS patients (I wanted to say "victims").

I took Metformin for about 3 days a couple of years ago when my internist suggested it. I didn't take it with food and I also began taking it 3 a day. the resultant upset stomach made me stop it. I've since found that you should take it with food and should ramp up - taking 1 pill a day, then 2 then finally 3 instead of abruptly just taking all of it!

They're gonna do this for about 3 months and then we'll add Clomid for 2-3 months. If that doesn't work, they'll refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I already know who they'll refer me to, but I know that I want to go to another guy instead.

They've also advised me that the loss of even 20 pounds would drastically help my chance of fertility. Since I've been losing weight on my own now for a few weeks, I'll begin ramping up my work.

At first, I felt depressed. It was confirmation that I was a failure. But then, I realized that this is a chance to make a real change, both in my health and in my chances for a healthy pregancy.

The Bitch is Back!

I started my period today - yes, Aunt Flow is visiting us for the holidays!

In light that Moo and I are trying to start a family, this is not how I wanted to start the Labor Day holiday.

Any woman who says that she feels more like a woman because she menstruates is insane. You heard me.

Bleeding out of my lady bits doesn't make me feel womanly. It's sticky, weird and gross. There's nothing even remotely dignified about it - for 3-5 days, you wear a diaper or a bit of fluff stuffed up your twat to take care of things. Doesn't sound like too much fun does it?

Additionally, there's the fun of PMS, cramping, diarrhea, nausea, bloating, and bitchiness.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy being a girl. But I could do without the bleeding. Right now, the bleeding is a sign of failure. Most other months, it's just a nuisance.

I doubt that menopause will depress me. Some women feel less womanly after menopause. To me, it would be a relief to have that portion of my life over.

But right now, I'll keep on writing down the day I start and I'll keep on timing things cause I want a bambino.

Pleasure and Pain

This is Connor. He was born on Friday, August 24, 2007 to Moo's first cousin. Moo and this cousin are only a few days apart in age and looked a lot alike as children.

Connor's parents had some trouble conceiving. His Mom had two miscarriages before this pregnancy due to problems with Rh factor. They even used the same lubricant that we're using now (Preseed - it doesn't kill sperm like Astroglide and KY Jelly can).

Seeing little Connor was amazing. We got him a little black onesie that had a white skull and cross bones on it. Very goth and cool :)

But seeing him. Holding him. Seeing my husband hold this little creature that looks so much like Moo as an infant was painful beyond words.

All I could think as I held this little boy was how much I wished that this were my child with my husband's nose and dark hair.

I wish that I could say with 100% certainty that one day this website will hold photos of my husband holding our son. I wish that I could say that we'll get pregnant soon and all this will be a funny tale to tell our kids. But I just don't know.

I want this to be a picture of me holding my son. Hopefully, it will be soon.

Why this blog is called what it is...

Since 2002, I've lost both of my parents, been disowned by my father's family, disowned my father's family. Bought a house. Sold a house. Lost 1 job, quit 2 others and feel like quitting the one I'm in now. Additionally, Moo has lost 2 jobs and then worked as a contractor before becoming a full time employee at his current job. Meanwhile, you know what the world's been like since 2002. So, to say that my life has been stressful is an understatement.

After my mom passed away from a brief but terrible stint with lung cancer in 2004, I had what I refer to as a "mini nervous breakdown". I was put on two separate anti-depressants - Effexor and Wellbutrin. I was never suicidal or homicidal. It was just really hard for me to see that things could ever get better again. which is strange, because I tend to be a "the cup's half full" kind of person. I just had no idea who I was any more. I wasn't someone's daughter or granddaughter anymore and I had been those things so intently and so completely that it all just turned into one big wreck.

Also, I was pissed. Absolutely pissed off that my parents were off in heaven having a great time and I was here mopping up. I was stuck here doing all the hard crap and they weren't here to help me. For the first time in my life, I felt REALLY ALONE.

I went into therapy for about a year. This is one of the better things I've done. My therapist was a lovely lady, but I found myself not wanting to disappoint her. I found myself distancing myself from her and not wanting to get too attached to her. Finally, I just stopped going. I didn't feel better when I went. I could deal with things better and going to therapy just stirred things up that weren't bothering me anymore.

Things did get better. I found myself not wanting to sleep all the time and I've lost some weight which makes me feel better.

I think everyone needs a nervous breakdown. They are highly underrated ways of making you evaluate your life and who you are. I am no longer just a daughter. I'm a wife and perhaps one day, a mother. I'm a good friend. I'm a good person. I am a lover.

Additionally, I feel closer to God now. I've had some deep personal experiences with Him now and I've felt his presence in my life at some of the most difficult times in my life.

Redneck Wedding

A few years ago, I went to a redneck wedding. Let metell you a little bit more about this beautiful day...

It was held at the beautiful American Legion hall in lovely Mableton, GA. It was on a Saturday afternoon and most of the guests stayed after thereception to pay bingo. This was the bride's first wedding so she was wearing white. I still wonderhow she got a form-fitting "mermaid" style dress that fit her properly since she was only 8 months pregnant at the time. Her maid of honor was her oldest daughter - who also happened to be the groom's oldest daughter. The maid of honor and bridesmaids all wore lovely matching HOT! PINK! LAME! hoochie mama dresses with LOTS of cleavage and were VERY short. My mom swore that one of them flashed her naughty bits as she flounced down the aisle.

The groom and his grooms men all wore white tuxes with HOT PINK ties and cummerbunds. They also complimented their attire with the ball cap of their choice. They also partook of a large amount of "chaw" or chewing tobacco during the ceremony and each held his own red SOLO cup of spit during the ceremony. The minister of this holy ceremony wore a GOLD! LAME! robe and looked like an Elvis impersonator. I found out later that he does that on the side. However, on this day he was there in his official capacity.

The bride came down the aisle on her father's arm. Most of us were distracted by her belly which gyrated furiously as she walked down the aisle. Obviously the unborn child decided that since he would be the first of his parent's children to be born after wedlock that he would celebrate by turning somersaults in his mama's tummy.

Harry FARKING Potter ... SOB!!!

Hopefully by now, everyone's read the last HP book. If not...


I have to say that I've enjoyed the HP series. I started reading them at about book three (Prisoner of Azkaban). I originally read it out of spite. I thought all the adults getting all wiggy over a kid's book was ridiculous. And then I read book one (Sorcerer's Stone - Philospher's Stone for the Brits), and I got all wiggy over a kid's book. I quickly ran thru books 2 and 3 and was ready when book 4 made it's debut with all the other folks at the bookstore.

The seventh book takes us back to Privet Drive and a more mature infinitely more jaded Harry. The Durseley's are as bad as ever, but Dudley definitely shocks you with his separation anxiety as well as his willingness to let the Wizarding world protect him. It's as though he's becoming a bit more openminded.

The loss of Moody wasn't altogether unexpected. It seemed apparant to me early on that most of the "Old Guard" must be removed to enable Harry to meet Voldemort. Someone is almost always there to help rescue Harry in every other book. I felt that Harry had to face this final challenge on his own.

The death of Hedwig was devastating to me. I love animals and I bawled for a solid 30 minutes after I read this. I put the book down and told my DH that this was "a terrible book and I don't want to read any more of it!" after reading about Hedwig. However, I decided to move on after that.

I somehow knew that Fleur and Bill's wedding wouldn't go unnoticed by the Deatheaters - this wasn't all that shocking.

What was shocking was the boring, dragging, everlasting, camping trip that came after. Good grief, I feel like JK Rowling could have stripped out at least 100 pages of this drivel. What a boring section.

I won't tell you how the book ends in the event you aren't finished. I'm fairly satisfied however with the ending. Everything wraps up well enough that I don't have too many lingering questions.

What if?

What would happen if we couldn't have children?

I've thought about this - seems like people ask me what other alternatives we'll consider if we can't - so it's not a totally new query for me.

First and foremost, I'm unwilling to do anything drastic to get pregnant. By drastic, I mean that I'm not willing to do In Vitro fertilization. My reasons are:

1. It's too damn expensive and there's not a great chance that it would work. There's never a guarantee that if you get pregnant that you'll carry the pregancy to term. But with IVF, the best that you can hope for is a 30% CHANCE of even getting pregnant. Additionally, it's 10K to 15K for EVERY attempt.

2. Sometimes I think that if God meant us to have kids, that he'd make it easier. And while I'm always overjoyed at the success of others with IVF, I feel like we will accept this decision of the cosmos if that's what it is.

I kid my husband that if we can't have kids on our own that I'll go to Guatemala and adopt a kid (or two!) and can't he just visualize the Christmas card from John, Amanda and the kids Pedro and little Guadelupe?

The truth is that we'll be happy whether we are given children or not.

I have been blessed beyond all others with my marriage. My parents didn't have an inkling what it meant to be married happily. They never were. But I am.

John and I are suited to each other exactly. He says that there's no one else like me and that he's happy that I am with him! I think that he's perfect in every way and I long to be a better person and better wife so that I'll be worthy of him and his love.

Ours is a marriage that I think will be complimented by children.

My Innards

First, a little background info: I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) about 15 years ago. From 13 until 22, my cycle ran from 10 days to 3 months. At 22, my doc put me on the Pill to help regulate my periods. With the exception of the erratic periods and my long and luxurious beard, PCOS has had very little affect on my health.

Almost 2 years ago, I stopped taking the pill to start trying to get pregnant. For the first year, DH and I just let nature take it's course. I worried that going off the pill would cause my periods to be really erratic, but they were like clock-work - every 28 days, rain or shine. About 8 months ago, we decided that we would ramp-up our attempts and I started using a fertility monitor to help in timing.

In the last 3 months, I've had more trouble from my female innards than I've ever had.

First of all, my clockwork cycles, stopped working like clockwork. I went from 28 days to 41 days.. I was afraid that my periods were going back to their normal status like before I went on the pill. However, in May, I was experiencing EXCRUCIATING pain on the way to work one morning and decided to go the Emergency room instead of work. After the most painful ultrasound on record, I was found to have a 10CM (a little over 3 inches) ovarian cyst. A month later, a follow-up visit to my gynecologist and another ultrasound found that it had shrunk a little. Last week, I went for another ultrasound and it's disappeared.

Now, my gyno wants me to visit the baby maker in her office (an infertility expert) in September. She thinks that I may need some stimulation in order to get pregnant and she also wants me to start getting bloodwork at day 21 of my cycle - to test to see if I'm ovulating.

At 37, I feel like it's now or never. In the back of my mind, since I was diagnosed with PCOS, I always knew I'd need a little help to conceive. I never meant to wait this late for motherhood. In my early twenties, I decided I wanted to have kids as soon as I was married. But then I didn't meet the man of my dreams until I was 28 and we married when I was nearly 30.Then, it was one thing after another, first job losses, then parental loss (both of my parents have passed away in the last 5 years) that made me postpone motherhood. Now I feel like there will never be a right time for parenthood, but at the same time, I feel woefully immature. Moo's cousin, with whom he was raised (they are only 6 days apart in age), will be a first time father in the next few weeks. It seems so weird and adult and I don't feel like I'm there.


Should teenage behavior be criminalized?

I'm speaking of course of young Genarlow Wilson of Douglas County Georgia who was sentenced to 10 years of PRISON for consensual oral sex with a 15 year old girl when he was 17.

The two were caught at school In flagrante delicto and were immediately expelled.17 year old Wilson was charged and convicted of Aggravated Sexual Assault even though the victim testified on Wilson's behalf and stated that she consented.

The law in Georgia has since been changed and this particular case should have been over. However, Wilson is still in State Custody.

The real question is the criminalization of teenage activity. In Georgia, it is not illegal for adults to engage in oral sex. This is a new fact - it's only been the last 5 years or so that Georgia had one of the remaining sodomy laws on the books. It was overturned about the US Supreme Court a few years ago. So, why should it be illegal for teenagers, who have all the key moving parts, to engage in similar activities?

Mind you, criminalization, like abstinence teaching, abstinence clubs, ignorance or other things do little to curb teenage sex and pregnancy. In fact, girls who have been exposed to abstinence only teaching are more likely to engage in oral or anal sex. While a hummer won't get you pregnant, it does open up other issues outside monogamous relationships like disease.

I will always have a different view of the maturity of teens. You see, my maternal grandparents eloped when they were very young. My grandmother was almost 15 and my grandfather had just turned 19. Back in 1939, their parents were upset and my great grandmother tried to get the marriage annulled. Now, my grandfather would be charged as a pedophile and would be on a sex offender list for the rest of his life.

Some folks will say that things were different then. That kids were expected to be more mature then. But I would disagree. This didn't happen 100 or 200 years ago. It hasn't even been 75 years.

Herding Cats

I spent part of yesterday getting my business license. Well, I say getting my business license; mostly it was running all over the Douglas County Georgia courthouse.

Being (IMHO) a pretty smart, proactive person, I did research about what was necessary to get a business license. I went to my state's small business online center, found the state requirements for a business license, and then went to my county's government website. There, I found the necessary forms and information I'd need along with the cost of the license.

Additionally, I CALLED them to ask about id requirements, if they accepted checks, cash, credit cards, etc. I also asked about the best time of day to go in.

So, after this, I felt pretty confident that I’d be able to go the court house, get my license and then get some other chores done. BOY WAS I WRONG!

I went to the courthouse about 12:30 – per the recommendation of the gal at the business license division – and found that – HA! I needed to register my business with the county clerk’s office before I could apply for a business license. So I go zipping off to another floor and the other side of the court house to the county clerk’s office.

“Have you searched our registry of business names to be sure that your business name isn’t taken?” asked the clerk.

“Per the Georgia Small business center, I searched their archives. Is there another?” I said.

“Oh no, you have to check the COUNTY archives too.”

So off I go to yet ANOTHER floor and back to the other side of the building. Once at the County archives, I encounter a very kind woman who informs me that there are several people waiting to see the registry. So I waited in the waiting room of the archives for about 45 minutes. When it was my turn, I was able to confirm that no, there’s no one else in DOUGLAS county with the name of and I zipped back to the county clerk’s office.

$27 later I’m headed back to Developmental Services with my document stating that I’ve registered my business name. Oh!! And I’ve got to stop by the local paper at some point to get a classified legal ad posted for two weeks with my name registration for $40!

Back at the Developmental services department, I frantically dig thru my purse searching for a utility bill with my address because you need proof of residence - something not mentioned by anyone or on the website! Thank goodness, I had my trash collector's bill in my purse!

Yes, I have the forms completed that were on the website, but there’s NEW forms that haven’t been updated on the website and no, the old ones just won’t do.

So, I sit and complete new forms. Finally, I’m done and ready to move forward. But now, the license team is out to lunch!

Luckily, I only had to wait for about 15 minutes. Then I was able to sit down with THE business license department manager and let her know – in a very nice way – that I could have saved a lot of time if the requirements listed on the website were accurate. She was shocked that I had been mislead and said she’d get the site updated ASAP.

However, on the upside, she’s very interested in my business and when I share my business philosophy; she’s eager to see my website and asks if I have a card!

On the way home, I stopped by the local newspaper to get my name registration posted where I encounter yet another potential customer!

So even though the day was basically like herding cats, it may be valuable in more ways than one.

the Cysterhood

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).If you don't know what PCOS is, then there are many lovely places to learn about this charming condition.You can go here or here or here for more information.

I shan't bore you with details, but my own symptoms include obesity, high blood pressure, weird periods and a luxurious beard.

Moo and I have been actively trying to get pregnant for about 7 months now. I say actively, because I haven't been practicing any kind of birth control in a year and a half. Before November of last year, Moo and I just had the attitude of if it happens, it happens .Since November, I've been using a fertility monitor called an OV Watch. You can check it out here.

So while we're still not obsessing about getting pg, we are trying to time sex a little better.
This leads me to my latest little encounter. I've been experiencing some pelvic pain since Saturday. On Monday, I took like 4 Goody powders (the greatest invention ever) for what I thought was menstrual cramps from hell. Tuesday morning, I got up, got ready for work, and felt decidedly sore. Inasmuch as I was meeting with a potential new employer that afternoon, I ignored the pain and kept going. However, within 35 minutes I was in hysterics from the pain and had decided to go to the emergency room instead of to work.

After 5 hours at the ER and the most painful ultrasound ever, the diagnosis is a walnut sized cyst on my right ovary.

Wednesday was a trip to my gynecologist’s office for tests and not much else. Because Moo and I are still trying to get pregnant, there's only so much that can be done for an ovarian cyst. So we're watching it and I'll get another ultrasound (Oh boy!) next month.

What I want

So if I don't want to be cubicle fodder, what do I want?

As part of my Secret homework, I've been putting off this exercise.

Why? Because I'm afraid that if I voice it, it won't happen or that it will.

This is painful. I've spent the last few months working on convincing myself that I have the power to make these kinds of decisions instead of having things happen to me. But that is painful. Knowing that I had a choice instead of being a victim of circumstance is a very powerful thing.

So what do I want?
  1. I want to be happy.
  2. I want to have a loving and caring mate in life.
  3. I want children.
  4. I want a comfortable home with plenty of space for entertaining but cozy enough for an afternoon with a book and a beverage.
  5. I want to work for myself. I want to determine my own career destiny. I want to open my own scrapbooking store and have time to show others how much fun scrapping is.
  6. I want enough money to what we want, when we want. I want to have enough money to give away. I want enough money to start a trust fund for hospice patients who don't have medical insurance, but aren't poor enough to qualify for Medicare/Medicaid/public assistance.
  7. I want to be healthy and thin. I want to hike up Stone Mountain without feeling like I'm gonna die. I want to be able to shop at any store I like.

Why I hate my job

I work for a major HR outsourcing company. I work in technical support where I help customers make their software and their processes (primarily payroll processes) work like they should. I am very good and my job and in the few months since I've been with this company, I've been a real success. I have clients singing my praises. I've received a number of good reviews from my superiors and I even got a bonus recently. Despite all that, I hate my job.

You would think that with this success, I'd really be enjoying it. I mean, who doesn't thrive on success and praise? The problem is that no matter how hard I work at succeeding, I don't feel like I matter to the success of the company.

The group I'm in is the worst performing as far as revenues go. We've got crappy furniture (the rest of the building has been refurbished and has new furniture).We're the last to get any recognition. And our new president has threatened to outsource us to India.

When I'm out of work for a day, whether planned or not, I don't feel like I'm missed. I just don't feel like I matter there.

Risky behaviour

A new study has proven that adolescents are far more likely to engage in risky behavior than other folks.

I say... Did you really need to fund a study to come up with these results? I mean, how many of us did stuff our parents told us not to (bungee jump, make out in the back of cars, do drugs, etc?)

The survey goes on to say that the way to deal with this is by:
"The best approach to helping teens stay safe probably involves controlling
opportunities for them to get in trouble by enforcing laws restricting the sale
of alcohol to minors, expanding access to mental health care and birth control,
raising the driving age, and good old fashioned parenting... "

The report goes on to say that:
“the cognitive control system responsible for regulating emotions, controlling
impulses, delaying gratification and withstanding peer pressure doesn't fully
mature until young people reach their 20s”
So, should the alcohol sales age be raised to 25? 30?

How about driving? Should we raise it to 25?

Hmm... what about other things we allow these irresponsible youth to do? Like getting married? In most states you can legally marry at 16 - some states, it's even lower (in New Hampshire, it's 13 for girls and 14 for boys).

Oh and hey, you can VOTE when you turn 18! Well, no risky adolescent should be allowed to vote! They might elect someone good for a change who doesn't embarrass the US in world relations! The very idea is frightening!

And what about our military? You can legally join the military at 18 - can even sign up while you're 17! This behavior is far too dangerous for a young impressionable dangerous adolescent to do!

How I met my husband, Moo

I met my husband during a long strange day.

My best friend, Kimmy, ultimately got Moo and I together. Kimmy was in the Navy at the time and was transferring from a base in south Georgia to Seattle. Because of this, Kimmy was spending the weekend in the Atlanta area having fun with friends here.

Kimmy had tried to get Moo and I to meet for about 5 years. The first time that I had an opportunity to meet, I was dating Psycho Scott. Psycho Scott was insanely jealous of Kimmy and I decided not to go for a romp with Kimmy and friends. there were some other opportunities for meeting Moo, but for whatever reason, it just didn't happen.

On this particular day, we decided to spend the day at the local renaissance festival. Kimmy left my house (where she was staying for the weekend) and went to get Moo. Having been one of these all day jaunts with Kimmy in the past, I thought it would be a good opportunity to get to know a new guy that I had just started dating.

Then, Kimmy and Moo swung by my house (I had something I had to do before that - I don't remember what) and picked me and my date (soon to be called Second Skin Boy or just Skin boy -I'll explain) up and off we went to the Renn Fest.

The first time I saw Moo, I remember wishing I'd hadn't invited Skin Boy. Second Skin Boy was a very nice guy and I genuinely hope that he did well. However, he was clingy. While I am an affectionate person and like public displays of affection, this guy would not STOP TOUCHING me.

Once at the Renn Fest, I spent most of the day trying to get away from Skin Boy. If he wasn't holding my hand (preventing me from doing anything with that hand), he had his arm around my shoulder or his hand rubbing my back or just holding on to my shirt. He was also picking up some serious vibes between me and Moo and would purposefully STAND BETWEEN us when Moo and I were talking. Moo and I kept casting covert glances at each other all through the day and would talk when in lines or when we went to a local restaurant for dinner.

By the end of the day, I was totally disgusted by Skin Boy and totally infatuated with Moo. I never talked to Skin Boy, but found out that his next love was a large hairy swedish woman.


As discussed in a previous post, I'm following the Weigh Down Diet.

WD tries to get you to get to the heart of the matter (quite literally) by helping you to determine the difference between what the writer refers to as head hunger versus stomach hunger. Amazingly, I thought I knew the difference.

The first task in the book is to wait for hunger. Wait for REAL hunger... not "my mouth wants something to chew" or "I'm bored and I'm hungry" or "It's lunchtime - let's eat". I went through fasting last week until I felt true hunger.

MAN! There's a real difference. When I'm REALLY TRULY hungry, I feel almost nauseous. My stomach tightens.

So here I am. I've been waiting for hunger. And I AM STARVING. Suddenly, I feel the little twinge that indicates YES! I am HUNGRY! I have a couple of saltines with peanut butter on them... much better. I REALLY want to get control of this... I REALLY am tired of feeling like crap all the time. LORD please help me get control.

Weight Loss A Go-Go

I started a new weight loss plan about 3 weeks ago.

No definites on how I'm doing because I vowed I wouldn't check the scale again or measure again until February.

I'm going through the Weigh Down program. It's a Christian bibically based plan with the premise of eating only when you're hungry and stopping eating when you're full. Yeah, I know it's a crazy plan and it sounds simple enough but the truth is that it's really hard.

I have no problems admitting that I have a problem with food; when I was in therapy, I realized that I've always used food as a drug - to make me feel better, to give me something to do when I'm bored, etc. My therapist pointed out that after a binge you feel so bad about binging or you feel so physically bad from all the food that you still don't have to think about what it is that IS bothering you.

Truthfully, I don't think too much about what it is that's really bothering me. Given the day, time, situation, etc it could be anything.

This is my 45th time I've started a blog...

More about me: 36, fat, funny, irreverant. Married to a fabulous man for the past 6 (nearly 7 years) No kids yet. A rambunctious Pembroke Welsh Corgi named Indy. A yellow collared Macaw named Cosmo. I work in technical support for a large HR outsourcing company.