Pleasure and Pain

This is Connor. He was born on Friday, August 24, 2007 to Moo's first cousin. Moo and this cousin are only a few days apart in age and looked a lot alike as children.

Connor's parents had some trouble conceiving. His Mom had two miscarriages before this pregnancy due to problems with Rh factor. They even used the same lubricant that we're using now (Preseed - it doesn't kill sperm like Astroglide and KY Jelly can).

Seeing little Connor was amazing. We got him a little black onesie that had a white skull and cross bones on it. Very goth and cool :)

But seeing him. Holding him. Seeing my husband hold this little creature that looks so much like Moo as an infant was painful beyond words.

All I could think as I held this little boy was how much I wished that this were my child with my husband's nose and dark hair.

I wish that I could say with 100% certainty that one day this website will hold photos of my husband holding our son. I wish that I could say that we'll get pregnant soon and all this will be a funny tale to tell our kids. But I just don't know.

I want this to be a picture of me holding my son. Hopefully, it will be soon.