Thankful for my healing

A few months ago, I couldn't text, open bottles, or even reach the back of my head with a brush without a struggle. I was having a good day if the pain level was under 7. I was diagnosed with a bulging C5 - basically, I have a pain in the neck!

Through my doctors, physical therapy, the healing neck massages from my husband, and the grace of God, I now rarely have pain over a 5. I can do most of the things I did just 6 months ago.

And I am so thankful. Even on a day like today when I'm struggling with something that I used to be able to do effortlessly, I still have trouble with reaching over my head to get things off shelves. I can't fully trust the strength in that arm for that. And I have trouble with things that require super fine dexterity like pinning my hair up, making jewelry, or even inserting a tampon (TMI sorry).

I am still thankful for my healing.  I'm hopeful that one day the rest of the feeling and strength will return to my hand. I will try to stay in a mood of hope and gratitude rather than mourning what I've lost.

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Giving your worries to God

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7

I am a worrier.  Peter was a worrier too.  And yet, he learned to give the Lord his worries.
I like to massage and worry over a problem until I see a solution or I'm inspired to ask someone their opinion.  Lately, I've been obsessing over the fact that we have now been a one car household for 4-1/2 years and it's really starting to wear me down.  And yet, if I mention to someone that I'm looking for a car, they come up with someone selling - generally one that I'm going to worry about because it's 15 years old or needs shocks and goodness knows how much that's gonna cost.
I know what I want.  I also know that we can't deal with another car payment to get it. So this leads me to another phrase that someone just taught me.

"If it's God's will, then it's God's bill."

I'm handing the whole thing over to Him.

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The Bible Series and my thoughts on some passages

I watched the first episode of the Bible series on History channel last night and I thought it was really good. Yes, there were HUGE jumps from the near sacrifice of Isaac to the Exodus. Yes, they left out Joseph (and his coat of many colors) but I wasn't that disturbed.  This is a movie and like any movie based on a book, they are gonna leave out something - probably one of your favorite parts.  With only about an hour and 45 minutes (not two hours cuz of commercials), they have to move quickly if they want to get to revelation by the end of the 5th and final episode.
I've seen a couple of complaints this morning about the ninja angels getting Lot and his family out of Sodom. I have two things that come to mind. First, the Bible says:

When Lot still hesitated, the angels seized his hand and the hands of his wife and two daughters and rushed them to safety outside the city, for the Lord was merciful. Genesis 19:16

Well how would you think that looked?  If you've got gangs of men roaming around who want to beat up and molest the angels, how do you think they got out?  Secondly, this is television in 2013 and Charleton Heston is nowhere in sight.  If they had calmly walked out, it wouldn't have been very interesting or dramatic.  Our entertainment these days has dramatic fighting and action and to do any less would have been boring for us in the 21st century and certainly boring for the unsaved and unchurched who watch stuff like that.
For those familiar with the stories, use the series as a launching pad to delve deeper into the scriptures. Read the parts not mentioned. Read about Jacob and Leah and Rachel. Read about Joseph and why he brought his family out of Canaan and into Egypt. And stop nitpicking.

MY SOAP Study today

SCRIPTURE

Romans 5:12-21 (MSG) Paul's thoughts on the contrast between Jesus and Adam

12-14 You know the story of how Adam landed us in the dilemma we’re in—first sin, then death, and no one exempt from either sin or death. That sin disturbed relations with God in everything and everyone, but the extent of the disturbance was not clear until God spelled it out in detail to Moses. So death, this huge abyss separating us from God, dominated the landscape from Adam to Moses. Even those who didn’t sin precisely as Adam did by disobeying a specific command of God still had to experience this termination of life, this separation from God. But Adam, who got us into this, also points ahead to the One who will get us out of it. Yet the rescuing gift is not exactly parallel to the death-dealing sin. If one man’s sin put crowds of people at the dead-end abyss of separation from God, just think what God’s gift poured through one man, Jesus Christ, will do! There’s no comparison between that death-dealing sin and this generous, life-giving gift. The verdict on that one sin was the death sentence; the verdict on the many sins that followed was this wonderful life sentence. If death got the upper hand through one man’s wrongdoing, can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, in those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift, this grand setting-everything-right, that the one man Jesus Christ provides? 18-19 Here it is in a nutshell: Just as one person did it wrong and got us in all this trouble with sin and death, another person did it right and got us out of it. But more than just getting us out of trouble, he got us into life! One man said no to God and put many people in the wrong; one man said yes to God and put many in the right. 20-21 All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn't  and doesn't  have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it’s sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that’s the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end.

OBSERVATION

A few weeks ago, my church did a series about the Tabernacle and how it was God's way of drawing close to us.  Also too, we were given laws - many many laws - that we were to follow to be worthy to be in God's presence.  The whole point was that there were so many laws, so many ways that we could not possibly make ourselves holy enough to be with God that sacrifices had to be made to cleanse the sins.  It was a great series because I'd never really understood why the blood sacrifices were necessary or why we didn't still do sacrifices.

APPLICATION

This passage makes me think of all the ways that God has tried to draw close to me.  It's also reminding me that you can always turn around a wrong situation.  If God can do it for mankind, then I can do it with whatever is bogging me down.

PRAYER

Thank you Father for making a way.  Thank you for giving us your Son to cleanse the sins so that we might be close to you again.

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How to Study Your Bible

I have read dozens of books about how to best study the Bible. I've asked pastors.  I've watched countless YouTube videos. What I have found that really works for me is SOAP.
SOAP is an acronym that stands for SCRIPTURE, OBSERVATION, APPLICATION, and PRAYER.
Scripture refers to reading the verse as it is.
Observation refers what your thoughts and feelings are about the verse.
Application is how you can use this information in your everyday life or in a situation.
Prayer is actually writing out a prayer that uses this information.  Many of my prayers are simply "Thank you Lord for showing me this verse"
What methods do you use to study the Bible?

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Do you think God gets sad?

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Feelin' funky...

Sunday, I had an amazing experience.

First of all, you should know that I was raised Southern Baptist.  My experience with SBC is that you sit still, act interested - but not TOO interested - in the minister's sermon.  You air kiss folks around you before and after the service.  I'd never dream that I'd go to a hand raising church or a church that believes in the "laying on of hands".  We just didn't do that.

We started going to our church in June and joined in November.  I love it and the kids love it.

So Sunday, the pastor had an altar call for folks that had physical problems.  I went up.

I have had problems with my back since I was 17 years old.  I have had therapy, injections, all kinds of tests.  Chiropractic has helped the most but I can't always afford to go as often as I should. So I went to the altar and a very nice man laid his hands on my back and started praying.

I don't know what I expected.  But what happened next BLEW MY MIND.

My back started heating up.  It didn't hurt but it felt hot - not like a burning kind of heat but like when you chew spearmint gum or put Icy Hot on something.  He and others (I don't know how many others actually) touched my back and prayed for about 10 minutes.

Y'all my back didn't hurt any more.  Hasn't hurt since then.

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Saying YES

I am taking part in an online Bible study for the next 2 months… when I get a chance, I plan to share my insights with you here…

This study is through Good Morning Girls – they have put together an awesome study but what’s more is that they build in some accountability.  They say that you really need to have a group to go through this study with and that you need to check in every day. 

Today’s text is from Luke 1:26-1:38 (from the NLT)

26 In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a village in Galilee, 27 to a virgin named Mary. She was engaged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of King David. 28 Gabriel appeared to her and said, “Greetings, favored woman! The Lord is with you!”

29 Confused and disturbed, Mary tried to think what the angel could mean. 30“Don’t be afraid, Mary,” the angel told her, “for you have found favor with God! 31You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus. 32He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David. 33And he will reign over Israel forever; his Kingdom will never end!”

34Mary asked the angel, “But how can this happen? I am a virgin.”

35The angel replied, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God. 36What’s more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren, but she has conceived a son and is now in her sixth month. 37For nothing is impossible with God.”

38Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” And then the angel left her.

I’ve always looked at this passage with a bit of skepticism.  For one thing, it says nothing about Mary being scared out of her mind for an angel to just show up.  In verse 29 it only says that she is confused and disturbed. I think that was probably putting the whole thing mildly.  And for another, it seems that she just calmly accepts what is about to happen to her. 

Maybe I’m too much of a 21st century woman.  Maybe she was so used to people just telling her what to do that she accepted whatever her fate would be. I don’t know that I could calmly look at some crazy being and say “sure, go ahead”.

Or maybe…

Her faith told her that everything would be ok.

Maybe her love of God made her understand that this was meant for her good and not to harm her.

I sometimes think we Protestants have forgotten this great heroine of the Bible.  She was handed an impossible, deadly task and she took it on with grace and humility.  The task was deadly not only because her village would likely kill her for being pregnant out of wedlock. It was deadly because so many women died in childbirth.  She would have known that.  She would have heard stories of women who didn’t come back from the child-bed.

And that, to me, shows me her faith.  That she knew there was a better than average chance that shouldn’t make it out alive but she still said “I’m His and let it be done”

Today I’m also checking in with…

DAY 7 of YES!

I haven’t done these in a couple of weeks.. just too many things happening. But here goes…

From the Book:

I Declare that God has a great plan for my life. He is directing my steps. And even though I may not always understand how, I know my situation is not a surprise to God. He will work out every detail to my advantage. In His perfect timing, everything will turn out right. This is my declaration.

This has to be how Mary felt. She had to have known that it would all work out.  She had to have know that He would protect her. 

This is the thing that I have the most trouble with in my life.  I feel like I am constantly massaging and pushing and pulling things into place.  But when I let go and let things flow without out my pushing and pulling them into place, they all just work out.

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Trial by Fire.. sort of

Day 4 –

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

 

From I Declare (paraphrase):

It is not too late to accomplish everything that is in my heart.  He is giving me special grace to complete everything He wants me to do. He has every intention of bringing to pass the desires of your heart. Don’t let disappoints cause you to give up and settle where you are.  Every set-back gets you closer to where you want to go.

Forgive me for not writing more about what happened Tuesday.  It was a day from Hell.

Basically, hubby found out last week that Tuesday would be the day that the layoffs were gonna happen.  We’ve known for a few weeks that they were coming – his upper management told them about it right before Thanksgiving – but we had no idea when they would happen.  Hubby and I basically got ourselves ready for the worst case scenario – that he would be laid off with pay for a few weeks and health insurance through March and I started looking at his resume and basically getting myself and our budget ready for cutbacks.

I’ve talked before about our budget and how tight it is.  It is still tight but I was actually considering skipping Christmas presents altogether except for the kids with a potential layoff in the works.  We are still on a very tight budget for Christmas and I’m hand making a few gifts to cut back.

Our budget is tight because of several commitments that we made – medical bills namely.  We are on payment plans still because of all of the medical issues in 2011.  Two hospital stays, numerous emergency rooms visits, etc. really stretched our budget last year and it took a large portion of the first part of 2012 to finish shaking out all of the bills and what insurance would pay, etc.  Heck, I’m still fighting a couple of them (basically where I’ve paid the balance due and they’ve come back with another balance due kind of crap).  Also, hubby had to have some major dental work a couple of weeks ago and that’s a new ongoing bill (it takes forever to get crowns made).  2013 will see ALL of them gone, paid in FULL.

I haven’t been sleeping very well. Griffin is cutting his two upper 2 year molars and has been a bear.  He’s cranky, willful, hardly naps, and sleeps fretfully.  He’s been up the last couple of nights around 1AM and I have trouble going back to sleep after I get him back down.  Insomnia and Pinterest are either “besties for life” or Hell on Earth – depending on which side of the morning you’re on.  So the last couple of days I’ve felt hung over and tired and just worn out.

But this morning, I’m hopeful.  Hopeful that we’re headed towards better days… hopeful that we will finish the year strong… and grateful that we’re making it through the storm.

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One Day at a Time

Day 3 of my Season of YES

God has given me all I need to overcome any problem or obstacle.

How do you make it through the tough times?  One day at a time.

I tend to lose my sense of humor when I’m scared.  And scared I am right now.  What am I scared of?  A million possibilities and I shouldn’t be thinking of any of them.  Anxiety eats at me like a cancer these days.  And yet, I know it does absolutely no good to worry about what may be. 

So when I feel anxious or start to worry, I start counting my blessings.  They are too numerous to list here and I can come up with hundreds of things to be grateful for.  Perhaps one day, I’ll start a gratitude journal or start posting them.  We’ll see.

I also find ways to make myself smile.  I wander through the funnies on Pinterest or just look for something to read or watch that’s funny.  I think I’ll do that today during quiet time.

On another note, I was enormously productive yesterday.  I got a post done here, I got two posts written for Disney Preparedness, I got the club calendar entered online, and I got the lesson plan for next week put together (it will post next week).  Today?  Not so much.  Except I have been working on a crocheted granny square…

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Starting a new season…

Yesterday, I decided that I would start a season of YES.  A season of deciding to make some major changes in my life.  It’s 100 days of being completely faithful and declaring favor over my life. 

At first, I was going to keep a private blog where I wrote only for myself and for hubby to read.  I’ve been praying about this, and my heart is saying I need to do it here.  I don’t know why.  I just feel like I should.

Truth is, the crap is getting heavy round these parts.  Money’s tight – we’re just scraping by.  Hubby’s employer has announced that there will be layoffs very soon.  Christmas is fast approaching and I still haven’t bought gifts for anyone including my kids.

But I’ve got to look at the good news.  We’ve got a roof over our heads and we’re warm and cozy, and there’s food in the kitchen.  The car’s running good and there’s gas in the tank.  Jesus is still our savior and God is ALWAYS good.

Yesterday, I posted a goofy private video where I laid out some goals.  I won’t subject you to the video but I will share the goals for the season plus share today’s declaration of faith.

The declaration (Explosive blessings are coming my way) comes from Joel Osteen’s most recent book called I Declare. 

Here’s Ephesians 1:3-7

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.

Domestic Felicity includes everything that keeps my home from spontaneously igniting including keeping the house clean, bills paid, our business making some money to pay those bills, and staying ahead on home school.

Creativity includes everything creative that I like.  So often, I make expressing my creativity as something that I get to do when all the work is done.  It has to have a more important role than that.  It’s more important than that.

Today, December 6th, I declare that I will experience God's faithfulness. I will not worry. I will not doubt. I will keep my trust in Him. I will become everything God intended me to be.  I can do my part and believe that His Will is perfect and in perfect time.

Hebrews 13:6 (NASB) says:

The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?

I like Joel Osteen a lot and I get daily emails from him and I really like today’s email that talks about the anointing from God.

“...You anoint my head with oil...” (Psalm 23:5, NKJV)

Osteen then goes on to talk about what oil does: it makes things flow and makes things move more easily.  In cakes, you add oil versus other fats because it makes the cake moist but also lighter in texture not to mention taller than when you use butter.

So the anointing makes us better able to follow the journey that God has set before us.

Today, I will remember God’s anointing and faithfulness.  It may sound silly, but I’m going to think of cake and how the oil helps it to be delicious and moist.

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My Scripture Journal

A few weeks ago, I became intrigued with scripture journals.  Most of the instructions I’ve found, have been on LDS websites but I think this is something that anyone who thinks visually and wants to study the Word in more depth can do.

What I did was take a lovely Rhodia Meeting Notebook and turn it into a topical Bible study journal.  The first few pages are my table of contents and then I numbered all the pages in the notebook.  Each page gets it’s own topic.  I expect some topics will have multiple pages.

Then on that topic page, whenever I hear or see something relevant that helps me understand or a verse that helps me see the issue biblically, I write it down and doodle or draw to illustrate it to myself.  This is an intensely personal project but I thought I’d share a couple of pages with you.

Also, this video is  great beginning to see how to get started…

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Bracelet #3–Not yet

I am using this book as a kind of curriculum for future bracelets. So far, I have made and destroyed about 10 bracelets because the weave is too uneven and ends up being wonky on one side but nice and tight on the other.

To this end, I am still working on a bracelet for this week.

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Bracelet #2–EDITED

I made this bracelet about 4 years ago and I’ve been trying to find the pattern ever since.  I’ve found patterns that are close but not exact.

It’s made with Swarovski 4mm bicones in Peridot and silver Delica beads.  I think the class I made this in was the first time I’d used Fireline.

Fireline is really fishing line but somewhere along the line, beaders found it and decided it was so tough and thin that it would make great beading cord.

EDITED:  Wouldn’t you know that after posting this item this morning and 3 years of searching, that I would find a resource that not only tells me what the name of it is but how do to it?  Here it is for your information… Hana-Ami Pattern

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Bracelet #1

In a more perfect world, I would have started with an easier bracelet but that’s not how I roll.

This bracelet is based on Right Angle Weave and I’ve found a couple of links to get you started on that if you like. You can go here or watch this video to learn it.

I got this particular pattern from this website and she’s got several things there that are very nice and not too difficult.

This bracelet uses Swarovski Crystals in the colors Garnet, Sian and Crystal AB. They are all 4mm bicones and are probably the easiest ones to find. You’ll also need a #12 beading needle, some Fireline (this is actually fishing line), some coordinating seed beads and a clasp.

Another angle of the bracelet.

And get used to the creepy hand.  I got it especially for this project!

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The Dreams of Your Heart

I’ve talked about this before, but if you remember, Moo and I have been searching for a church ever since we moved to our house 7 years ago.

I have some very specific requirements and so far, none of the churches in our area work for us.

I’ve discovered that a large church in Texas really touches my heart in all the right ways and they show their services live on the internet on Saturday nights and Sunday mornings.  More often than not, I watch the Saturday night service and it really gears me up for the next week. 

Last night, the minister said “You have to open your mind up to new ideas.”  And then later on he said that “There is no dream in your heart too big for God.”

I have always believed that the dreams of your heart, your heart’s desire, whatever you want to call it – are put there by God because YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO IT. 

In the church I grew up in, we often talked about the call to service that God put in the heart of ministers, but I always believed that it wasn’t just ministers who were called.  I believed that doctors were called to heal in His name.  I believed that teachers were called to teach in His name.  I believed that accountants were called to juggle the numbers in His name; writers to write in His name, etc etc…

I am a Christian, but I am what my father always called a pragmatic Christian.  I look at the spiritual through logic and order.  In all the books of all the religions, in the beginning there was Chaos and God brought order.  So in my opinion, order is the goal of everything.  In my beliefs, we are given things we like to do and things we are good at (which are usually the same thing!) because that is WHAT WE ARE MEANT TO DO! 

In my beliefs, this is logical.  After all, why would God give us things to do that we don’t like to do??  I’m not saying that every task is pleasant and a joy.  I don’t like mopping my kitchen floor or taking out the garbage, but like having a clean kitchen and I like cooking in that clean kitchen.

I have a dream in my heart that I will have the opportunity to do the things I’ve always loved in my career (administrative stuff, database development, payroll and HR) where I work with my husband in my own business.  My dream also includes being able to be home with my children.

When I visualize what this looks like, I’m working in my office, Phoebe is sitting at a table in the room coloring or drawing pictures and baby boy is on a blanket nearby playing.

So when that minister said that I have to open my mind, I immediately jumped on it.  That message immediately resonated with everything in my soul and it has played in my mind over and over again.

So I am keeping an open mind and I am ready for God to fill my mind with the ways to do His will.

Do you need to open your mind?  Do you need to reminded of the desires of your heart?

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THE KNOTS PRAYER

I love this!!

Dear God,

Please untie the knots
that are in my mind,
my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots,
the can nots and the do nots
that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,
may nots, and
might nots that find
a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,
would nots and should nots
that obstruct my life.

And most of all, dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind
my heart and my life all of the am nots
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought
that I am not good enough.

Amen.

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Musings of Christmas

This is the third Christmas that I have thought more about Mary than about Jesus at this time of year.

In particular, Luke 1:38

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said."

I think about her strength of mind; of her faith in God. I think about how she was challenging everything in her life: her parents, her betrothed, her religion; her culture - in accepting this Holy burden.

How afraid she must have been? What would everyone think? What would they think of her? Would they think she was crazy?

Even after the birth of her miraculous child, she didn't freak out when shepherds - complete strangers - come to see her newborn. Instead she:

... Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

What does this say about her?

Now that I am a mother, I look at the Nativity story differently. Instead of the great miracle of our Lord's birth, I see the strength and faith of a young woman. I see how her obedience to God has prospered us all. I see how her courage has saved us all.

Today, on Christmas day, my wish for you is to find your own strength and courage to be obedient to God.

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Sunday School: What am I?

This is the first in a series of lessons in spirituality and theology. It is primarily Christian based although I will try address issues from a neutral point of view.

The most important thing you can learn about yourself is this: You are a child of God.

So many times, as we talk to ourselves, we describe our imperfections, our weaknesses. But if we recognize that we come from perfection, we soon understand our importance. You are a child of God, created in his image. How can you be anything but perfect in your own way? Sure, you may have things you need to work on such as your weight or being a better steward, but at the core of your soul, you are perfect.

An evaluation of philosophy will find that "What am I?" is the ultimate question followed quickly by "What is my purpose?" It is the question posed by every scientist and philosopher from Aristotle to Einstein and it is the question we try to answer every single day of our lives.

Most of us are many things besides human. We give ourselves purpose in the labeling of our role in our relationships. For example, I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a cousin, a friend, a co-worker, a customer and a neighbor. My behaviour in each of these relationships is different as well. I have a different relationship to my daughter than to my husband. My actions as a co-worker are different than my actions as a customer.

This week, as you think negative thoughts about yourself, replace each negative thought with "I am a child of God". I also suggest getting a notebook and writing and thinking on this statement. It is a powerful exercise and one that you will not soon forget.

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Hysterical

I am at a complete loss of what to write here. So many things are happening and not happening all at the same time.

Last time I posted, I told you guys about having an amniocentesis to check Spider Monkey's lung maturity.

On Thursday, I went back to House O'Babies. They had the initial report from the perinatologist stating that the tests suggest immaturity and suggesting a repeat amnio in 10 days. I discussed this with midwife Michael and said that another amnio 10 days later would put us squarely at the end of week 37 and that I had been told that House O'Babies would want to induce/section me the very next week (week 38) according to their protocols so I wasn't sure what the purpose of another amnio was. Michael agreed with me, but said that we needed to discuss further with Dr Potter (the perinatologist).

Spider Monkey was in a funny position on Thursday and it was difficult to get her heartbeat so Michael wanted me to come back on Monday both to consult about the amnio again and to get the NST. Michael also checked my cervix - still no effacement (thinning of the cervical lip) or dilation (opening of the cervical opening).

So I had the whole holiday weekend to decide that I did not want another amnio. I was pretty adament about this.

Monday afternoon found me back at House O'Babies. This time, my appointment was with midwife Stephanie. She took my blood pressure (122/72) and monitored my urine for glucose and protein (still no glucose in the urine - good sign and still a trace of protein - which they aren't worried about right now). Then she strapped me into the NST. We got Spider Monkey's heart beat immediately and got the results we needed pretty quickly. Then, we went on to discuss the situation with the amnio. Stephanie said that she had consulted with one of the OB/GYN's and they wanted Dr Potter to reevaluate the size of the baby and go over the amnio results with me before we decided what to do. Stephanie called Dr Potter's nurse who also thought that we might go ahead and repeat the amnio on my next appointment and wanted to see fresh biophysical profile information.

So Monday night/Tuesday morning, knowing that this appointment was pretty important, I did what I do when in an uncertain situation. I woke up at 2 in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep. As always, my mind was racing. After about 30 minutes, I decided that I'd get up and take a bath.

Should I admit to you how scared I was and am? Should I admit to crying hysterically in the bath tub? Should I admit to all the fears of trouble during delivery I have?

These are real fears. I realize too that these fears are normal for a woman in the 37th week of pregnancy. I also realize that women in the third trimester can be weepy.

I am just so miserable at this point that I will do anything to speed this up. Walking is a joke - my pelvic bones feel like they are grinding when I walk. Sitting doesn't help at all. In fact, sitting for longer than a couple of minutes makes walking even more painful for a few minutes. Lying down barely helps. Like sitting, when I first get up to walk after lying down, it's agony.

So when I got in the tub at 2:30 in the morning, I spent a lot of time crying about the pain I felt, about the fears I have about delivery. I finally got back to sleep about 4:30. So, when the clock went off at 5AM, there was no way in hell I was going to work. Moo was in the tub by then and said he thought I should stay home and that he should take me to my doctor's appointment that afternoon.

So yesterday afternoon, we went in for a full biophysical profile, ultrasound and consultation with Dr Potter.

The baby still looks great. Her growth slowed down a little which is great and means that I'm successfully managing the gestational diabetes. She's gained less than half a pound since the last profile and is now an estimated 8 pounds 4 ounces.

However, Dr Potter told me that the amnio was "terrible". Her lung maturity at 36 weeks 2 days was that of a baby that was 26 weeks. It's too late for steroid injections which would help speed up the maturity and only time will help now. He also recommended another amnio on July 11.

So it's back on Friday for another amnio and I was back in the tub last night hysterical again. This time, I was't worried about delivery. I was crying for my little girl.

The lungs are the last system to mature in babies. Gestational diabetes aggravates this and causes a slow down in the maturation. SM's lungs are nowhere near ready to work on their own and delivery now would probably mean a stay in NICU. I have no idea what any of this means long term. Dr Potter said that her lungs will eventually mature, but whether it's in utero or out is now the question.

I realized this morning on the way to work that I need to think about this another way... my body knows that SM isn't ready to come out. It's not uncommon to begin dialating weeks prior to delivery. But I'm not effacing or dialating, so my body is still holding on to her, still waiting for the perfect time to deliver and I have to have faith in this.

But I still need a miracle. My little girl needs a miracle.

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Sleep, Blessed Sleep and Snark

Had another visit to the House O'Babies on Wednesday. We're at 32 weeks (technically 31 weeks, 5 days today) and had a good visit although I got the gestational diabetes lecture and was praised for not gaining any weight.

Baby's heartbeat was great. Blood pressure was 116/70. Baby's head down and wiggling.
I'm feeling good even though the Leg Cramps from Hell continue most nights. I've got sciatica in the left leg (Spider Monkey has her head FIRMLY on the nerve) and if I lay on my right side, the sciatica gets worse. I get leg cramps in the right leg. If I lay on my left side, my right leg cramps. So yes, this is a case of "damned if you do and damned if you don't".

I discussed this with midwife Stephanie with great gusto on Wednesday. As discussed, I've tried all kinds of solutions - more calcium, less calcium, bananas, massage, warm baths, stretching and pillows in between my knees, behind my knees, in fact, everywhere around my legs. No dice.

The midwife suggested diet Tonic water. She said it had something in it that might help, but couldn't remember what. I've since found out that most tonic water has quinine in it and that's an old cure for leg cramps (and the active ingredient in the over the counter leg cramp medicine - Legatrin). Well quinine was banned for use as a help for leg cramps in 1994 by the FDA and has been linked to birth defects when taken by a preggo - so I won't be drinking any tonic water.

So I was up at 3AM this morning trying to shake loose a leg cramp that was forcing my foot to literally turn over (this is REALLY painful). When I got the leg cramp under control and the heating pad fully warmed (which helps a LOT) of course, I was having trouble settling back down. Is a racing mind part of the third trimester? I had so many different things in my head at that point that I really considered getting up and writing some of it down.

Baby decided to wake up about that time and start her morning exercise. She's doing this thing where it feels like she's stretching as far outward as possible. My stomach kind of pooches out to a point when she does this and I feel pressure around my belly button. I can rub my belly and she relaxes, but she'll be back at it again in a few minutes.

So it's about 4AM now, my mind is going a million miles a minute, baby is awake and tossing and turning and WHAMMO! Another leg cramp.

I'm not especially a happy camper this morning.

But now that I'm reading back over this post, I realize, you know, I'm damn lucky to be where I am. Moo and I had almost unsurmountable odds against us being parents. He of the low testosterone and diabetes diagnosis. Me being over 35, fat, PCOS and surly. We didn't have to undergo weeks of testing and medical intervention to get pregnant - just a few weeks of Metformin and little hope.

This little baby is truly a miracle baby. So in the big picture, what's a few weeks of leg cramps? What's a few weeks of having to test my blood sugar and watch my carbs? In the grand scheme of things, does it even matter?

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