A Note to My Inner Critic

That's it.  I need you to pack your shit and get out.  Out of my head.  Out of my domain. Just out. I am tired of you telling me that I am not good enough. I am tired of you degrading and demeaning me and my self worth.  I am funny.  I am clever.  and most of all, I do have something to say.

*** Contains strong language***

Oh I know how you operate now.  You let me get an idea in my head.  You allow me to get all excited at how I can use this idea to reach my goals and then you let me even work on the project, figure out all the logistics and then WHAMMO! You throw up an obstacle that I don't know how to surmount.  You make sure when I figure out some way that the project won't be scalable or possible without a boatload of staff.  You make sure that I figure out that the project won't even be profitable.  You like to point out that I'll have to give up time with my husband and children to be successful.

When I was 9 year old, I wrote an essay about my dog.  My teacher told me that I was the best writer in my grade and that with training, I could be an excellent writer. How clever you were to slip in my parents' heads that evening and help them put me in my place when I told them that I was the best in my class!  Nobody makes money as a writer, they told me.  No one but a very lucky person can get published!  Your mother never got any of her work published did she? What makes you think you can get your work published?  Oh no, little 9 year old, go back to your fantasies of working in an office and forget being creative.  We aren't creative people!  Only starving artists can do that! 

Well that's it buster.  I have ideas in this head of mine. PROFITABLE ideas at that. I have ideas that will help me and others too. I have stuff in my head that will help me to reach my goals. 

I'm putting together tools and community right now. I am mapping out time and resources. I'm putting together all kinds of ways to get around you because I am able to reach these goals.  Your time abiding between my ears is over and I will only listen to the things that help me and further my progress.  I only see things that help me overcome obstacles.  I only feel things that conducive to keeping me in a happy mood.  I have plenty of time with my husband and children despite the work that will get done.

You are kaput and over. I will talk to that 9 year old and tell her to write about whatever she wants. I will tell her to be as creative as she likes.  She has some practicing to do and as she practices, she will get better and better.  She will be able to pull ideas out of her head.  You've convinced her that she can't write creatively.  I have a hunch that if she practices that she will come up with some awesome and amazing ideas.

So pack your shit.  Pack your self-doubt.  Pack your bad attitude.  Especially pack your quiet whispers of "Why do you think you're so special?"

Dammit I am special.  I have great ideas.  Now stand back and watch me.  But don't let the door hit you on the ass as you go out the door. 

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Vagina Envy

I have a theory about why the Mommy Wars come up over and over again.
It’s because we compare every other woman to ourselves.
First of all, we don’t generally get openly combative about why men do what they do.  In our minds – whether we admit it or not – men are somehow different or even inferior to us.  They cannot experience what we experience.  They can have no understanding of PMS or child birth or a particularly awful menstrual period.  Now if a man says he understands, that is an open invitation for us to kick him in the balls and express to him again that “NO” he does NOT know.  So men, if you’re reading, don’t express sympathy verbally – just bring chocolate and nobody gets hurt.
No, every woman compares every other woman to herself whether intentional or not.  We all want Kim Kardashian’s ass or Katy Perry’s boobs or Miley Cyrus’ legs.  And we all compare every other woman’s choices critically to our own.  WE would never leave our children with a nanny.  We would never go on government assistance.  We would keep completely tidy homes.  We would… and on and on and on. 
Every woman I know, when you enter their home, the first thing out of their mouth is some excuse as to why their home doesn’t look like something out of Southern Living.  “We’re remodeling.”  “We just got back from vacation and haven’t been able to clean.”  Meanwhile their home is at least reasonably tidy or usually, so clean that you could eat out of the cat bowl.
So when a mom says things like “I stay home with my children and I feel sorry for women who have to work” the working moms jump to defend their decision to work.  The working mom may work outside the home because of financial reasons (health insurance costs, education costs, you don’t know so stop guessing), or because the thought of spending more than a few hours with their kids makes them want to crawl inside a hole (not everyone likes to hang out with their kids all day – get over it).  They may have built a career they love or it may be so hard to keep their accreditation or other professional requirements that leaving the workforce for stay-at-home-motherhood would mean they could NEVER return to the workforce in their capacity.
So Working Mom makes sacrifices too.  She gives up being with her kids.  She gives up the freedom to attend every school function.  She gives up a part of her soul so that she can continue in something that she WANTS or NEEDS to do.
Stay at home mom, I’m not done with you.  I understand.  You've given up a lot too.  You’ve had to cut back on vacations (if you get one at all), there’s no after work cocktail parties, no new outfits just because.  Sometimes, you cut back on entertainment, fancy coffee drinks, and cute shoes.  You give it up but you give up a little of your soul too.  The independent part of yourself that used to be free to do all those things and never mind the cost.  You know, like me, that if you ever go back into the workplace, you’ll have to start over.
If we would stop and look and see that we, as mothers and women, ALL make sacrifices so that we can each live our best life in what ever way that looks like. ALL women are doing the best they can. Yes, some women are going down the wrong path.  Some women are trapped in bad relationships, bad situations, bad places.
If would we stop pointing fingers at each other and just notice that yeah, everyone makes a sacrifice for their children, then I think the Mommy Wars would never be fought again.  If we'll give each other and ourselves a little bit of GRACE, we'll all be able to see through the eyes of love.

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A definite direction

For too long, I have let this blog drift without any real plans.  I didn’t want to nail down a niche and I wanted it to be broad so that I could write what I wanted.  But what I’ve found is that without direction, I went everywhere and nowhere.
No more.
I’m narrowing my focus and you’re going to start seeing at least 2 or 3 posts a week here.  I don’t promise they will be long, but there will be SOMETHING to read or see.
Here are the things I am focusing on:

• Homeschooling (choices, how-tos)
• Being Mama (homemaking, parenting)
• Creativity (fun and fancy)

You may also see the occasional rant but it will be rare – hopefully!
I’m going to be doing a Flylady challenge on my Tumblr blog and there may be some cross posting. That blog is largely for my own entertainment and posting eclectic silly things that make me laugh or think but I love comments and sharing.
I’m also doing a series here starting tomorrow about praying for your kids.
I hope you’ll hang out with me and see where it goes…

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Switching Off

This election season has done something to me.  I’ve gotten mean and judgmental instead of hopeful like I was during the last presidential election season.

For this reason, I’m switching off some of my social media for a week – primarily Facebook – starting today.  It is such a time suck for me and there’s so much negativity that I just have to turn away for a little while.  Also with all the sickness in the family, I am sorely behind on domestic and educational tasks (like lesson planning) and I’ve no extra time for fooling around for a few days.

I’ll be posting here, and I’ll be tweeting.  I have to monitor our Facebook page for our Disney blog but I can do that without actually going onto Facebook.  So I won’t be giving up Social Media completely.

Meanwhile, I’ll get my house cleaned up and enough lesson planning done to get through until Christmas at least!  Maybe I’ll get all my posts for the Disney blog done for the rest of the month!  I don’t know for certain how much I’ll be able to get done.

There’s one thing I know for certain: No matter who wins on Tuesday, someone is going to get upset. 

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Eat Like a Caveman

So we started the Paleo Diet back in the beginning of June, and I can tell you it’s been an interesting journey.

First of all, it’s been expensive. 

We followed the meal plan in the back of Robb Wolf’s book for the first week and we didn’t like the food at all and it required all kinds of extra spices and stuff that we don’t usually use.  We learned a couple of good recipes that we’ll use but for the most part, we hated everything we were eating.  But even still, it is more expensive to buy most of your food fresh.  Produce and fresh meat are all very expensive even now in the summer time when there should be some sort of break.  One area where we are saving money though is in take out.  But we’re finding we’re just moving the money we were spending on takeout on groceries.

Second, you will lose weight on this – without being hungry.

Seriously, I am very rarely just starving.  Usually if I am really hungry it’s because it’s time to eat or I’ve forgotten to eat and now it’s catching up with me.  Since June 4th, I’ve lost 18 pounds.  When you’re my size, 18 pounds isn’t much.  But it is a major accomplishment to me.  I was last at this weight when I was pregnant with Phoebe and sick as a dog from morning sickness.  Between pregnancy hormones going crazy and just the constant throwing up, I got down to this weight.  I like getting here by eating steak much better.

Third, I have found that gluten makes me sick.

Really.  My birthday and John’s birthday are 4 days apart.  We decided that during that week, we’d take it easy and only do 80% Paleo and we would enjoy a little birthday cake.

I enjoyed it until 2 hours later when my stomach was killing me.

Then we decided to have a chicken sandwich from Wendy’s.  I enjoyed it until two house later, my stomach hurt very badly.

Then I had a peanut butter sandwich.  See where I am going with this?

I’ve tried it with dairy and legumes but they don’t make my stomach hurt.  Just bread.

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It gets easier.. or does it?

Today is the 10th anniversary of my dad’s death.

That was a bad day.  I saw a bad car wreck and got a flat tire – all on the way home from work.  I said to John, “I don’t think this day can get any worse.”  And boy was I wrong.

That day started the long spiral of suck in my life.  Not long after this happened, mom got sick and died and then our battle with infertility began.  It was five years before I could dig my way out of the depression.

He had been in the hospital for a few days.  I had just gotten back from vacation when he went into the hospital and couldn’t get any time off to go visit him.  I had some vacation planned for the week after he passed away and I was going to go and spend as much of it as I could with him.

There are so many things that I regret about that time.  I regret not just taking the time to go (although my boss made my life a living hell for taking bereavement leave – the asshole.) and I regret not taking his illness seriously.  It never even occurred to me that he might not make it through it.  But again, so much of my knowledge of his condition was second hand from people physically closer. 

I’m glad that I told him that I loved him.  I’m glad that I said I was sorry for being such a self-centered brat.

I miss him every single day.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him.  Not one.

I think that the grieving process never really stops.  You get over the worst of it.  If you didn’t, you’d end up curled up in a corner for the rest of your life.  But you get up, you get dressed, and you go out and face a world that is diminished.  You find yourself laughing.  You find yourself forgetting the pain of the loss for a while.  You may even be able to look back on how annoying that person may have been at times.

Hell, I think there are still some days that I go through all 5 stages of grieving in a single afternoon.  Even now, I get angry that he worked so much.  Even now, I get angry that he is not here to see my children.

But then, one of them will look into my eyes and I’ll see him looking at me through their eyes.  And somehow, I know that even though he’s not here physically, that he’s here in spirit.

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Living on the wild side…

A couple of weeks ago, I started writing a book for Camp NANOWRIMO.  Man!  I had no idea how difficult it was to maintain a storyline for more than a few thousand words without A) losing your way in the story or B) not knowing what the Heck to write next or C) giving up completely because your kids won’t stop pestering you every 3-1/2 seconds to use the computer.  In short, I do not have enough time in the day to write at least 2,000 words unless I give up sleep.  But I can find time for 100-500 words a day.

So, I haven’t given up writing the story but I’m working on it in smaller chunks.   You can read the story from the beginning here and I’ll do an update here as I post new parts.

Also, we started a new diet. 

I have a skin disease called Hidradenitis suppurativa (HS).  It’s a nasty condition that causes extremely painful lesions anywhere you have sweat glands.  I will have to go into more detail in another post but suffice it to say, it does not make for a Happy Girl.  I have had flare-ups off and on since I was a teenager but about 4-1/2 years ago, I got a flare-up that has NEVER gone away. My dermatologist injects them with steroids and puts me on antibiotics and they get a little better but have never gone COMPLETELY away since right before Phoebe was born.  During my pregnancy with Griffin, they went on overdrive and I had the worst flare-up of my life and was taking meds during pregnancy to help combat infection.

No, I’ve never talked about it in this blog because it’s embarrassing.  The lesions are gross and sometimes ooze stinky stuff.  When I have a bad flare-up, I don’t leave the house unless I have to because they are extremely painful AND smelly. Furthermore, the medicine I put on them is a sulfur based ointment so I smell like rotten eggs.

So I was reading a thread from an HS forum and someone mentioned Primal Girl and her battle and subsequent remission from HS and my mind was BLOWN.  She went on a Paleo/Primal type diet – which basically means she abstained from dairy, wheat, legumes, and refined sugars - and not only did she lose a crap ton of weight but had major improvements in PCOS (which I also have) and HS.

I read about it and then mentioned it to John.  He said he’d recently read about the Paleo diet but thought I would think he was crazy for even considering it. 

I mean the Standard American Diet and the recommendations from the FDA, ADA, and the American Heart Association all say you need grains and dairy for optimum health.  My gastroenterologist told me I needed fiber in the form of whole grains, fresh fruit and veggies and particularly, legumes, like pinto beans and peas to prevent flare-ups in my diverticulosis.  It would be crazy to go against all this expert advice and do something different wouldn’t it?

But as I read story after story of people healing themselves of diabetes, obesity, and numerous gastrointestinal and autoimmune issues by simply avoiding these substances, I began to have a different opinion.

I read two books, which I will detail in later posts, and then jumped on the Paleo bandwagon.  We decided to stick to the 28 day menu in one of the books but found that there were so many things that we just did NOT like and this past week, we've struck out on our own but are using the menu as a guideline.

For the last few days, we have been completely dairy, wheat, legume, and refined sugar free.  The first couple of days I felt like absolute crap.  John and I both had a bad headache that wouldn’t go away with sleep or ibuprofen.

We were jones’n for Cokes and ice cream.  I wanted cheese more than I have ever wanted it in my life. But on day 4 something happened:  the headache went away for the most part and by day 10 (yesterday) were gone.  My head cleared.  My stomach didn’t hurt anymore. I had more energy. I felt good. And I wasn’t hungry.

I have been taking 4-8 ibuprofen a day for the last few years just to get through the day and it just dulled the pain enough that I could keep going.  My arms and shoulders, legs and back, have ached every single day for the last 10 years.  On day 5, I took 2 ibuprofen to deal with some menstrual cramps and that was it until this morning.

Yesterday, while the kids were having a snack (they aren’t Paleo – yet), I was handing Griffin some Honey Nut Cheerios and while I wasn’t paying attention, popped a handful in my own mouth.  A few days ago, this would have been completely normal: hand the kid a handful of cereal to snack on and then pop some into my mouth.  Now?  Ugh.  Within 2 hours, I felt spacy.  This morning, I woke up feeling like someone beat me.  The aches and pains that have been largely absent the last few days are back with a vengeance.

Could one handful (about 12 Cheerios) cause so much anguish?  I’m praying that tomorrow I feel like I did on day 10.

Every time that I have gone on a diet (usually the Watchers of Weight), I have been instantly hungry and hated counting every single grape that went into my mouth.  It never felt sustainable.  I imagined that if I was on it for several months that I’d get used to it and it would feel more natural to count everything.  But it never did and that’s usually when I’d give up.  AGAIN.

I always hate that person leading the group who says things like “When you get thin, you can just smell food and get full.”  That is crap.  Complete and utter bullshit.  We need food to live.  Our brains do not function without food.  Our brains NEED carbohydrates for fuel.

But on these plans, you’re steered away from fresh fruit because it’s “so high in points to get enough!” but “here, eat this prepackaged brand name grain based snack mix! It’s only a point for this WHOLE bag!”  Well you know what?  That snack mix has little nutritional value whereas that fruit is perfectly packaged to provide nutrients.  Yes, it has sugar but God wrapped it in a fiber package so that the sugar is absorbed better by my body.

Right now, I am 4 hours since breakfast and it’s time for a snack but I’m not really hungry.  Additionally, my blood sugar is in good shape.

And also? On Monday, I weighed in and I’d lost 9 pounds.

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My Summer Plans

I'm busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest.

I figured out last night that I am working on about a dozen different project right now.  Some are short term and will be over soon.  Others are ongoing projects and will be going on for YEARS (I'm looking at you children who want to learn to read and write and do math and be ed-u-ma-cated...). 

One thing I'm gearing up for is Camp Nanowrimo.  In case you don't know, NANAWRIMO stands for National Novel Writing Month and traditionally takes place during November.  Basically you commit to writing a 50,000 word novel in those 30 days.  My darling hubby was a NANOWRIMO winner a couple of years ago - meaning he completed his novel.  They also nost two smaller events in June and August called CAMP NANOWRIMO for people who basically can't wait for November.

Now, I've decided that the ideas in my head will not calm themselves down and must be written out in novel form.  This is part of the moving towards more writing in my pursuit of employment where I don't have to actually deal with people.... I'll have to talk about that more in another post.

So I have 3 story ideas.  I am working on writing out a synopsis for all of them but I think I know which one I will be writing during the contest.

Have you ever done anything like this?  I'd be interested in hearing how it went in the comments...

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Bracelet #3–Not yet

I am using this book as a kind of curriculum for future bracelets. So far, I have made and destroyed about 10 bracelets because the weave is too uneven and ends up being wonky on one side but nice and tight on the other.

To this end, I am still working on a bracelet for this week.

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I only drink at Disney World

My mother was quite the party girl when she was in her 20’s. She drove intoxicated on more than one occasion and often said that it was a miracle that she never got hurt or killed someone. She often said that she’d used up all of her luck and part of mine too and was relentless in telling me not to drink and drive.

I was a willing student for the most part. Our young next door neighbor was killed in a drunk driving accident and it marked me and made me understand that just because you are young does not make you invincible.

My parents were also quite liberal about alcohol.  We always had a full bar and my parents often offered to make me a drink and let me find out what it was like to get drunk in the comfort and safety of my own home.  I had had wine from a pretty young age and had tasted the hard stuff numerous times and never took them up on the offer. This cavalier attitude affected me in the way that I saw no point in sneaking off to get drunk with my friends.

However, on one occasion I decided to be one in the crowd when an older friend, who was driving, said he would “stay straight” so we could all get wasted.  And wasted was what I got.  But not so wasted that I didn’t notice my designated driver having a beer.  I confronted him right then and there and told him I wasn’t letting him drive me home.  I then took off into the night and walked about 2 miles to a convenience store with a pay phone (this was before cell phones, kiddies!).

I called my mother and told her I was drunk and needed a ride.  She had promised me that she would pick me up, no questions asked, if I EVER needed it.  I had mostly sobered up during the walk and was almost completely sober by the time she got there.

I got in the car and she said we weren’t going to talk then since I was drunk and we would discuss it in the morning.  I said that I wasn’t drunk anymore, but that I was PISSED!

I was mad that I had trusted someone to stay sober so I could get drunk. From that day on, I have only trusted three people in this world to stay sober: my husband who doesn’t drink, my mother when she was alive, and ME.

That’s right, ME. I know that I will be sober and have acted as the designated driver on many occasions while I watched friends be idiots while under the influence.

So this brings us to Disney World.

We have always stayed on property – meaning in a Disney hotel – while at Disney World.  Disney hotel guests have access to free transportation.  Disney World has awesome alcoholic choices.  And voila!  It’s like a match made in Heaven for a control freak like me.

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Bracelet #2–EDITED

I made this bracelet about 4 years ago and I’ve been trying to find the pattern ever since.  I’ve found patterns that are close but not exact.

It’s made with Swarovski 4mm bicones in Peridot and silver Delica beads.  I think the class I made this in was the first time I’d used Fireline.

Fireline is really fishing line but somewhere along the line, beaders found it and decided it was so tough and thin that it would make great beading cord.

EDITED:  Wouldn’t you know that after posting this item this morning and 3 years of searching, that I would find a resource that not only tells me what the name of it is but how do to it?  Here it is for your information… Hana-Ami Pattern

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Bracelet #1

In a more perfect world, I would have started with an easier bracelet but that’s not how I roll.

This bracelet is based on Right Angle Weave and I’ve found a couple of links to get you started on that if you like. You can go here or watch this video to learn it.

I got this particular pattern from this website and she’s got several things there that are very nice and not too difficult.

This bracelet uses Swarovski Crystals in the colors Garnet, Sian and Crystal AB. They are all 4mm bicones and are probably the easiest ones to find. You’ll also need a #12 beading needle, some Fireline (this is actually fishing line), some coordinating seed beads and a clasp.

Another angle of the bracelet.

And get used to the creepy hand.  I got it especially for this project!

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Gone Daddy Gone

Did you know that folks steal catalytic converters off of cars to sell them for the precious metals inside?  Did you know it only takes 20 seconds with a cordless saw to cut off the catalytic converter?  Did you know that your car is inoperable without the catalytic converter or that to replace one is about 2400 smackeroos?

Yeah, me neither.

Friday afternoon, John goes out to his car after work.  He rides public transportation to work and parks the car at the train station.  So he comes out, starts the car and it sounds terrible.  He calls me.

John: The car sounds really bad.

me: Like American Idol reject bad or what?

John: It’s making a roaring noise and I don’t know if I should drive it.

me: Drive it around the parking lot.  If it won’t go, call a wrecker.

I’m a lot of help, aren’t I?

So he calls me back in a few minutes.

John: The engine light came on.  I’m calling a wrecker.

me: UGH

It’s not that I wasn’t sympathetic.  I was.  It was just that I was wondering what was wrong the with the car.  Just last weekend it was at the dealership getting an oil change and inspection.  I was wondering what it was going to cost.

So John calls me about an hour later from the dealership.

John: I am freaking out.

me: What’s the matter?

John: Somebody cut off the catalytic converter.

me: WHAT?

John: Somebody cut off the catalytic converter.

me: I heard that the first time.  I thought perhaps I was hallucinating.

John: I wish I were.

me: Why would someone cut it off?

John: Apparently folks steal these for the precious metals.  It’s gonna cost about $2400 to replace.  You need to call the insurance company.

And so I did.  Hopefully, insurance will cover this.  We now have a lovely rental minivan which just makes me wish I still had a minivan.

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Blog Direction

I wonder about what direction to take this blog.

I wonder what kind of impact it could have. But I am so eccentric in what I want to write that I often wonder if I should write at all.

Things I want to write about:

• Home making
• Home school
• Raising kids
• Raising my kids in particular
• Marriage
• Being an only child with both parents deceased
• Politics
• Culture
• Disney stuff
• Writing the novel(s) brewing in my head

Hmmm that's an interesting list. I feel like the sahm/home-maker niche is so saturated that I really don't know what I can add. Politics will probably piss off most of my readers. I will be writing about Disney very soon on a different blog. Writing about writing just sounds boring.

I also find myself wanting to share personal things here.  Yes, I know I’ve talked about my poop and that seems pretty personal but what I’m talking about it is even more personal.  The thing is that I’m sure that someone out there could really benefit from what I’m going through.

Some of these things, I’ve written elsewhere privately but it feels lonely to write to myself.  But, it’s not like I get tons of comments or hits every month.  I feel fairly desperate to connect with others about the demons in my soul.  But some of the people that would read this might not be too happy with what I write and might say that these things are better unsaid.

Have you ever had something that you have to get out of your brain?  Did you have the courage to discuss it in the open or did you share it privately?

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Eight Years Ago

Whiskas Cat Food Commercial

Eight years ago, when I was grieving the loss of my mother, I found it necessary to get help.

That help came in the form of antidepressants and a lovely therapist by the name of Jody.  She was a very sweet lady and I liked her immediately.  Her office was close and she had late office hours so I could visit her on my way home from work.

During one of those visits, the topic of coping mechanisms came up.  It will come to no surprise to anyone that knows me that I cope with just about everything - from happiness to depression – with food.  It’s something that I will one day beat.  Jody wanted me to come up with a few things that I could do to cope that did not include “Go to Japanese restaurant. Order shrimp teriyaki and California Rolls.  REPEAT.” 

The video on this page is one of the things I came up with.  This video will make me smile no matter what.  The night that I spent in the emergency room, wondering if I was going to lose Griffin when I was 17 weeks pregnant, I watched this video on my phone.  The night that I took Phoebe to the emergency room with a broken collar bone, I watched this video with her and she loved it.  Basically, this video has the power to make me happy.

I hope you enjoy it too.

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I don’t like pork

But I like bacon.

And pork loin cooked in the slow cooker with bbq sauce.

And pork chops.  And I especially want to try THESE pork chops.

I like ham – the ham from the Honeybaked store is divine.

So I like all kinds of pork dishes, but what I really don’t like is pork roast.

Except I’d like some of my grandmother’s pork roast with sweet potatoes (or as she called it “possum and taters”).

So why do I say I don’t like pork?

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Things overheard at my house

"Stop riding your brother. He is not a horse."

"Hold still while I ya ya ya ya."

"Are we wearing pants today?"

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Pinterest is the new crack

Seriously.

I was introduced to Pinterest by my awesome sister in law.   Little did she know the true horror of what she unleashed.  Now, when I have insomnia, I am on Pinterest.

Additionally, Pinterest has the strange affect of making you think you are way more crafty than you actually are.  A Lego storage rack made of PVC and scrap wood?  I can do that.  A darling little apron just perfect for my next dinner party?  I can whip that up during nap time.

For visual people like me, though, it’s perfect because I no longer have to dig through my bookmarks trying to find the picture of the room that had the interesting wall thing that I must show John as he’s walking out the door to work.

I can’t get John to look at it though.  I think he still blames me for getting him on Facebook.

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Christmas Wishes

This Christmas is a little tight.  Santa’s bringing the kids store-bought presents but we’re giving everyone else goody bags with homemade yummies and stuff.

I made my Grandmother’s Fruit Cake.  I know what you’re thinking: “Fruit cake?  Does it work as a door stop?”  And in most cases, you’d be right.  But this is Ice Box Fruit Cake.

Sorry, you won’t be getting that recipe.  My grandmother gave it to me and made me promise not to share.  I think my cousins have the recipe too, so go ask them.

The kids saw the really good Santa this year.  This particular Santa is so popular that he is by appointment only AND you have to pay a $15 sitting fee.  $10 is applied to your photo order.

Phoebe, of course, clammed right up.  Griffin lost his ever-lovin’ mind.

As seems to be usual now, Christmas is kind of a bummer.  I’m working really hard to be happy.  But this is the time of year that I miss my parents the most.  I also find myself missing a lot of other folks too. 

When I was a kid, Christmas was a huge 2 day deal.  Christmas Eve, we’d get together with my mom’s brother and his family and open a few presents and my parents would make steak sandwiches.  Christmas day would start at our house with Santa and then either we’d host or my aunt would host the big meal and we’d have tons of food and the booze would be free-flowing.  There was almost always a fight or argument. 

I get sad because almost all those people are gone now and the rest have scattered.  John says that we need to build our own traditions and he is right. 

So I am going to spend the next year deciding how I can keep Christmas in my heart.  Santa and I had a conversation about some fun stuff and I think Phoebe will love her Christmas morning.

Meanwhile, I hope you have a magical Christmas.

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Happy Birthday Daddy

My dad would have been 71 today.  This picture is from 1976.  My dad is the middle with the lady on his lap.  The lady is my great grandmother.  The other man is my uncle Jim.

He would have loved my kids.  The man seriously loved babies.

The most vivid dream I've ever had came about two weeks after he passed away.  I honestly don’t know if it was a dream or if I was meeting him at the Great Starbucks in the sky.

He and I were meeting in a beautiful room with a tall ceiling and a wall completely covered in greenery. One wall was all windows and it looked out over a beautiful lake. 

He sat across from me with a cup of coffee in a simple mug.  I remember crying in the dream.

He asked me why I was crying.  I said that it was because he was gone and I couldn’t talk to him.

He told me that I could talk to him whenever I liked, I just might not get a direct answer.

“Besides,” he said, “you wouldn’t want me back the way I was.  I was so sick.  Think of me like you remember me when you were just a little fart.”

So today, I’m trying to think of my daddy the way he asked in that dream.  I am trying to remember him calling me “little fart” or telling me that we were having “a bait of boiled buttholes” for dinner.

I’m trying to not remember the harsh words spoken between us or the almost violent arguments we would get into.  I’m trying not to remember the ache of not being able to argue with him about religion or politics.

I know that when I tell him I love him today that he will hear me.

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