November 2010 ~ Hyppychick

Day 30: A letter to yourself

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Dear Amanda:

Your perfectionism is making people crazy.

Oh you don’t expect your husband or daughter to be perfect, but you expect an awful lot out of yourself.

Will you stop and look at all the wonderful things you do? Will you stop looking in the mirror and seeing everything you used to be instead of what you are or instead of what you COULD be?

You are the strongest person you’ve ever known. You’ve been through stuff that would make a lesser person curl up and wish themselves away. But you’ve made it through – usually with a smile on your face and optimism in your heart.

You are incredibly generous with your friends and would and have done just about everything for them that you could – all without ever asking anything in return.

And about that asking – you NEED help sometimes. You cannot do everything by yourself nor should you try. Stop being afraid that you are a bother and start asking when you need it.

Bringing that little boy into the world in February is going to take a toll on your body and spirit. You need to remember that when someone says they want to help – even if it’s just to hold him and play with Phoebe while you nap – that THEY MEAN IT.

Another thing: there’s only so many hours in the day and there’s more to do than there are hours. Remember this: Not all of it needs to get done right now. And number two: you are pregnant. Take a nap. Put your feet up.

Stop stressing over stuff that doesn’t make you happy.

Love,

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If you want to play along with this list, here’s the list of topics:

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself
Day 2: Something you love about yourself
Day 3:Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone else for
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living
Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell or treated you badly
Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but who drifted
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough times
Day 14: A hero that has let you down
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without
Day 16: Something or someone you could definitely live without
Day 17: A book you've read that changed your view on something
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage
Day 19: What is your opinion of religion?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (Scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you got into a fight a couple of hours before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose those songs
Day 25: The reason you believe you're still alive today
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life?
Day 27: What's the best thing you've got going for you right now?
Day 28: What would you do if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant) right now?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself
Day 30: A letter to yourself

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Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself

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ACK!!! This one didn’t get posted yesterday on the 29th!!! I still had it sitting in drafts!!! SORRY!

I could list a whole ton of stuff here. I could list silly things like getting my nose fixed – it has a hump, which Moo insists is NOT a hump – or I could get a tummy tuck after the baby is born. I could list stuff like being a better wife or mom – which is all pretty vague. I could also tell you how I need to dress better or find a makeup that doesn’t irritate my sensitive skin and eyes and actually wear makeup again.

But thing I need to work on the most is to actually value what I do.

Moo will come home from work and I’ll ask about his day and he’ll tell me how he put out fires (figuratively) all day or went to this meeting or that one. He’ll ask how mine went and I’ll usually tell him I didn’t get anything done.

What actually got done that day would fill a page, but I don’t see it that way. I don’t see playing with my daughter or cleaning the kitchen or making some cards as things worthy of being listed in the things I did.

And this is something that needs to be listed AND appreciated if not by anyone else, at least by myself.

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Day 28: What would you do if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant) right now?

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DUH!!

I’m pregnant now.

What I did at first was freak out. Then I was happy. Very happy.

And now in the 6th month of my second and last pregnancy, I can say that I’m excited.

Excited to have two kids. Excited to have a boy!

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Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life?

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No.

I was in the middle of a pretty good depressive episode in the year after Mom died.

But I never considered giving up on life.

I just didn’t know when life would get better again and that was depressing.

But it did get better and I got better.

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Day 25: The reason you believe you're still alive today

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I don’t like the way this is worded.

I’ve never had a life threatening situation where someone or something saved me.

So I don’t really like this one.

Instead, since this is posting on Thanksgiving, I will say what I’m thankful for.

I’m thankful for my wonderful husband.

I’m thankful for my funny and gorgeous daughter.

I’m thankful for the little baby boy kicking my bladder.

I’m thankful that I have wonderful in-laws.

I’m thankful that I have a home that I love and a car that runs.

I’m thankful for the income my husband earns with his brain every single day.

I’m thankful that I’m in pretty good health.

I’m thankful that I’ve got people who love me.

And I’m thankful that I have plenty of people to love.

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Day 24: Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose those songs

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My play list is just a general list of some favorite songs and not really directed at anyone…

Mamma Cried – Alison Kraus and Union Station

I just love this song. I love to sing with it. It taps into bluegrass which is something I’ve have a love/hate relationship with over the years.

I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

This song NEVER fails to make me happy. I use it as a BUTT KICKER to get me moving sometimes.

Wicked Game – Chris Isaac

This is hands down, one of the sexiest songs EVER.

867-5309/Jenny – Tommy Tutone

Showing my age here. This is another song I just love to sing with.

Always the Last to Know – Del Amitri

I seriously love Del Amitri and I seriously love this song. This song is bouncy and happy and has a twist!

Radar Love – Golden Earring

A favorite song I share with my dad. He was a fan of Golden Earring and I always think of him with this song.

Dream - Everly Brothers

A favorite song of my mother’s. She and I used to sing this when it came on in the car and we actually got 3rd place at a Karaoke contest singing it.

Tempted – Squeeze

Noticed how most of the songs on this list are songs I love to sing with? This is another. I SING THIS ONE AT TOP VOLUME!!! I even have the growl down…

Flowers on the Wall – Statler Brothers

Another sing along. This one I used to sing with my parents on the way to my grandmother’s house.

Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen

The great Freddy Mercury will always be my favorite singer. This song is a classic, true – but it is also a wonderfully quirky song that pays tribute to classical music.

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Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life

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I wish I’d learned how to budget before now.

Before I was married, I still lived at home with my folks and I mostly did what I wanted with my money. I had a car payment and a couple of credit cards but no other real bills.

After Mom and Dad separated, Mom and I split bills until I got married and then Moo and I split bills.

It wasn’t until we bought our house three years into our marriage that we even had a joint bank account.

But even then, we really didn’t set up a serious budget. Oh we knew how much money we made and we made a moderate effort to stay out of debt, but we didn’t really stress out over it.

However, since Phoebe was born, we have seriously buckled down. For one thing, we’ve gone from two incomes to one. We also had some debt that we needed to deal with – nothing big but big enough that it squeezed us pretty good.

We got out of debt except for the house and stayed out but we still didn’t save like we should have.

Now, we’ve changed all that. We’ve learned how to budget down to the penny and we work hard to keep our expenses as low as possible and we’re beginning to be able to put a little away. Not a lot – not yet, but it’s coming.

So that’s what I wish I’d done. I wish I’d been smarter sooner.

I imagine a lot of people wish for that.

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Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life

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GAH!! This one didn’t get saved properly so didn’t post yesterday!! SORRY!!

I wish I hadn’t listened to my parents and got the education I wanted instead of what THEY wanted.

Don’t get me wrong. While I was doing HR, I really enjoyed it. And I don’t regret the education itself.

But I really wanted to be either a history teacher or a music teacher.

My father wanted me to be a nurse. My mother wanted me to be a anesthesiologist. Neither of them wanted me to be a teacher.

So I compromised and got a business degree.

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Day 21: (Scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you got into a fight a couple of hours before. What do you do?

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I get my ass on an airplane to Vegas – which is where my best friend lives.

End of story.

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Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

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I believe in the legalization of drugs. I believe we are fighting a useless and expensive war on drugs much like the Prohibition.

It is cheaper and more effective to create drug rehab program for those unfortunate people who become addicted.

I also believe that people with addictive personalities are going to get addicted to something whether that substance is illegal or not. Additionally, if recreational drugs are legalized, they can be regulated for safety.

Now, having said that, I have never taken illegal drugs. I’ve been around people, willingly and not, who were smoking pot and I got a little second hand buzz. This only gave me a hell of a headache and turned me off to the whole thing.

I’ve also never been much of a drinker. And I am completely paranoid about Driving Under the Influence.

I will NOT drink if I plan to be behind the wheel of a car – not even ONE drink. And I won’t ride with someone who’s been drinking.

Now, having said that, I’ve gotten stuck at a couple of parties in my youth when the designated driver broke their promise and drank anyway. Because of this, and because I really only trust myself not to drink, I am usually the designated driver.

I also trust Moo not to drink if I am drinking. However, I hate to drink alone so this means that Moo and I don’t drink when we go out.

In fact, I laughingly say that the only place I drink is DisneyWorld. It’s one of the few places where the transportation is totally handled by someone else and the alcohol flows freely – especially the delightful Grey Goose Citron frozen lemonade at EPCOT. YUM!!! So I can drink, a professional is driving and everyone is safe. YAY!

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Day 19: What is your opinion of religion?

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As I’ve already mentioned, I was an agnostic in my youth. It wasn’t always that way.

I was raised as a Baptist.

Southern Baptist even.

But here’s the thing, organized religion often pisses me off.

One of the reasons I decided I didn’t need religion was because I couldn’t stand the hypocritical folks who thought it was their job to tell everyone else how to live.

I figured between them and the atrocities done in the name of God, I just didn’t need that kind of thing in my life.

But here’s the truth about me: I do believe. I believe because I have had more than one experience where when I needed an answer, I got one; where when I needed a boost, I got one.

To me, there’s a difference between blind faith and recognizing that there is a need for the mystical in life. For example, my daughter is a miracle.

As I’ve said before, we were doomed from the start. I had so many things against me getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. And then you add in Moo’s issue and it just looked like having a pregnancy at all was completely impossible.

But a miracle occurred. I got pregnant. I stayed pregnant. I had a beautiful little girl.

It may just sound like biology – I mean, boy meets girl, inserts tab A into slot B and shakes vigorously and 40 weeks later, there’s a baby! It’s Human Reproduction 101.

But in our case, when there were so many odds against us, it’s just amazing.

And it’s these amazing things that I see every day that add to my faith.

I’m still not crazy about organized religion. We don’t have an official church right now. But I want one.

I was raised in a nice church with nice people. Oh there were assholes there who are part of the reason I turned my back on religion, but there are also nice religious people.

My husband is one.

My best friend introduced me to Moo about 12 years ago. The first thing KR told me was that Moo was very religious. I didn’t find that to be necessarily so, but Moo did prove to me that not all religious people are assholes.

When I met Moo’s parents and more importantly, attended one of Moo’s dad’s Sunday school lessons, I understood that Moo came through his own faith partly because of his family. They are nice people, but also people of great faith. And they are definitely not assholes.

So what am I looking for in a church AKA organized religion? I want a church that does less to be all fire and brimstone and more about teaching me to live my best life as a Christian. Less judgment, more encouragement. Less formal and more rock and roll.

I also want a nice place for my daughter to learn about God and Jesus. More about love and acceptance and service and fellowship with other believers and less fear and judgment.

I’ll let y’all know how it goes.

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Day 18: Your views on gay marriage

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My thoughts are precisely this.

Who the Hell am I to tell you who to love?

I was blessed with meeting Moo, who I fell in love with at first sight. I honestly believe that he and I were destined by God to be together. I honestly believe that we were meant for one another.

Who the Hell am I to tell two guys or two girls that they aren’t meant for one another cuz they have the same parts?

If you listen carefully, you’ll figure out that this is my answer to a lot of questions…

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Day 17: A book you've read that changed your view on something

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When I was in my early 20’s, in a fit of logic, I decided I was agnostic.

I’d been through some hellish days and had decided that there couldn’t possibly be a God that cared for us right here and now. Maybe there had been in the past, but not at that moment.

I showed complete contempt for religious types and mocked them behind their back. I was in college so I was in pretty good company as others were going through their own philosophical discoveries.

But you know what? I felt pretty superior to folks but it didn’t make me feel better. It didn’t make the pain of my situation any better. But as you’ve gathered from my other writings, I’m pretty stubborn and I wasn’t ready to give up my agnostiscm.

I went on feeling this way until a former friend of mine passed on a book called ' target=_blank>A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.

It didn’t insult my intelligence or force me to believe something I wasn’t ready to, instead it pointed me in a different direction. It showed me Christianity from a different point of view.

I’ll be talking more about religion in a couple of days…

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Day 16: Something or someone you could definitely live without

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I love Coca-Cola.

Really.

It’s like the best thing in the world to me.

But I need to learn to live without it.

When I was pregnant with Phoebe and got the Gestational Diabetes diagnosis, I cut back from a 3 coke a day habit to a 1 coke a day. I was drinking so much water that I didn’t really miss it. I’d get my one coke and enjoy it with my evening snack and just really ENJOY it.

After she was born, I didn’t really start back up on the 3 a day. In fact, unless I’m sick, I hardly want them.

This pregnancy, I decided to cut them out almost entirely. I bought one six pack about a month ago and I’ve still got 3 of them.

They are carbs and calories I just don’t need.

But again, I’m reminded of talking to my mother about her smoking. She knew smoking was bad for her, but she enjoyed smoking.

I enjoy Cokes. I love the sweetness. I love the sharpness of the carbonation. I love the way they fizzle as you pour them over ice.

Someone once described addiction to me as they were always trying to experience the high they felt the first time they got high, but could never quite reach it again.

Coke is and isn’t like that. It is good nearly every time. I am rewarded the taste every single time I drink one.

I enjoy it. But it’s bad for me.

I need to live without them.

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Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without

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Didn’t we already answer this one?

Oh well.. something I couldn’t live without…

Laughter.

Last night, during a fit of incredibly painful pregnancy induced leg cramps, I got through one bout by making myself laugh.

The story is that my dad had arthritis in his feet. This in itself is not funny. It also isn’t funny that when he would first stand up after sitting or sleeping, his feet would hurt. What IS funny is that he wouldn’t say “Damn my feet hurt” or “OW OW OW OW!” – instead, he would say “Feet! Feet! FEET!”

First million and a half times this happened, my mother or I would express concern, he’d work through the pain and go on about his day.

Somewhere in there, we decided to turn it into a joke. Not at his expense. We weren’t laughing at him. We were actually trying to distract him.

So he’d start with his “Feet! Feet! FEET!” chant and I or mom would say “Elbow! Elbow! ELBOW!” or “Belly button! Belly button! BELLY BUTTON!” or something similarly silly and we’d all start laughing.

So last night, I stood up during one particularly bad cramp and said “FEET!” and then started laughing cuz I remembered.

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Day 14: A hero that has let you down

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Yet another tough one.

I am most disappointed with our President Barak Obama.

Several months before he started running for president, I read his book. I’d seen him speak at the 2004 Democratic National Convention and that just made me want to read his book, Dreams from My Father'>Dreams of My Father and I thought it was brilliant. I later read his next book, The Audacity of Hope ' target=_blank>The Audacity of Hope, and again, I thought him and his work, brilliant.

Here was a leader who could represent EVERYONE and who, I thought, could use his words and history in a way that would draw people together.

I underestimated the people however. I underestimated the smear campaign that would start. I underestimated the prejudice that still exists in our culture. And I overestimated Mr. Obama.

I still think he is completely brilliant. I still believe that he has the ability to bring people together, but I feel like he has also underestimated the people who would bring him down into the dirt with them.

I feel sometimes, if he would stand up and use that brilliant voice of his to STAND THE HELL UP to the naysayers; to STAND THE HELL UP to the people who call him a Muslim, to STAND THE HELL UP to the people who call him a Socialist.

I’ve shamed a number of people from calling him a Muslim… I point to these folks, that if this man, with an atheist father and an agnostic mother and a Muslim step-father, educated in a largely Muslim country, set foot into their church and wanted to join, that they would shake his hand and welcome him into the fold. The minister would rejoice that a soul was saved. The entire congregation would sing Hallelujah for “bringing in the sheep”… And if he’s anything like any of the converts I’ve known, he’d eventually be teaching Sunday school.

Most the folks calling him a Socialist don’t even know what a Socialist is.. they only know what they’ve been told. Most of the folks who are arguing with him are doing it purely because he is different.

But I’m not here to defend him. Truth is, I had this idea that he would be more like Bill Clinton but smarter and maybe with fewer scandals dragging him down. Instead he’s more like Carter – dealing with some heavy crap, but doesn’t want to point fingers or get down on the level of the naysayers.

Instead, he needs to take a page from TDR (Theodore Delano Roosevelt for the non-political science majors out there) – talk softly, but carry a big-ass stick.

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Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough times

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Man these questions just keep getting weirder and harder!!

When I was 12 years old, I discovered a band called Duran Duran. Their music was catchy and their videos were cutting edge and they were all delicious. Delicious to my budding hormones at least.

I was a diehard Durannie (what Duran Duran female fans are called) for a solid 5 years.

At first, I was passionately in love with Simon Le Bon.. he was roguish and fun!

Then it was the dreamy Nick Rhodes – who wore more makeup than I did.

Then it was the brooding John Taylor, the tall dark and handsome one…

This is the poster I had in my room during these years.. DREAMY!!!

I can’t say that they got me through rough times, but they had a good bit of influence in my life. Those years were years of a lot upheaval in my life – family and personal illnesses, family disagreements, my parents in the nasty part of their marriage, etc.

They were a kind of stabilizing force in my life. I could be having a bad day and I could go in my room, turn on some music and get away from the crap.

I don’t know why I stopped being a Durannie.. maybe because that’s about the time the guys in the group started going off on solo projects?

Maybe I moved on to something else? Like the luscious Trent Rezor… mmmmm… I’ve had a “thing” for tall, dark and handsome for a long time… LOL

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Day 12: Something you never get compliments on

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I’ve never gotten a compliment on my feet.

Wait, my husband says I have cute feet but he’s biased.

Truth is that I have ugly feet. They are absurdly large. I have a boss toe (meaning the toe next to my big toe is longer than my big toe) and my big toe is GIGANTIC.

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Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on

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Purses and sunglasses!

I am always complimented on my purse or my sunglasses. I have this little knack for picking out cute purses. Since Phoebe was born, I don’t have a lot of opportunities to carry a purse since I hate carrying a purse AND a diaper bag.

But I LOVE purses.

And since I am near-sighted, I really need glasses to drive. Since I mostly drive during the day, I’m always sure to have a pair of cute prescription sunglasses in the car.

I’m not much of a clothing hound – mostly sticking with my “Manda suit” of black pants and some top… but I love my purses and my sunglasses.

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Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

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Another tough one.. and this one, I have no idea.

There are plenty of people that I need to forgive (see day 4) but I can’t really seeing myself completely letting them go. Afterall, they ARE family, whether they acknowledge me or not.

Maybe I do need to let them go. Maybe when I can finally forgive them for what they did to me, I can just let them go.

It’s something to think about…

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Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but who drifted

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This was a difficult topic for me.. mainly because I’m the one who drifted.

I don’t keep up with old friends nearly as well as I should.

I have realized that I’m one of those people who will think of people and want to talk to them but always figure they have better things to do than to listen to me ramble.

Folks tell me all the time “call me if you want to talk” and I almost never do. It’s not that I don’t want to talk, I do. The problem is that I don’t want to bother people. I don’t want to call them when they are walking out the door, or having company, or taking a rest, or having dinner, or whatever.

I know this probably sounds stupid. And it is. It means that by the time I finally get up the nerve to call someone, it’s been WEEKS or MONTHS since I last talked to them and tons has happened and it takes a while to catch up!

I RESOLVE to do better…

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Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell or treated you badly

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I could refer back to day 4, but I decided that that I didn’t want to give them any more energy.

This going to sound stupid.. but there was this girl in middle school and high school…

I was never a really popular kid. Oh I had plenty of friends, but I wasn’t in “The In Group” of pretty, popular girls with designer jeans and makeup – none of which I was allowed by my parents to partake of. I had friends in the group but I wasn’t part of the group… know what I mean?

This particular girl was probably one of the most popular members of the group and I admired her for her perfect hair – it was the early 80’s and everyone had big hair. There was more than one occasion when I went out to back to school shopping when I tried to find an outfit similar to one that popular girl wore. But at the time, it was almost impossible for a chubby girl shopping at Sears or JC Penney to look like a skinny girl who shopped at a fancy department store.

We chugged along merrily until one day in the 8th grade when I passed her in the hall, dressed in my knock-off designer duds, when popular girl decided to point out to everyone within hearing distance that I had bought my entire outfit at KMart.

Now, I can look back and realize that she could only know what outfits were possible from a discount store if she’d actually shopped there herself.. but at the time, I was mortified beyond belief.

This was at the beginning of the school year and I had almost every class with popular girl and she seemed to take great delight in tormenting me about my clothing and hair for the remainder of the school year. One of her mean girl friends liked to do this too, but the sting was really from popular girl.

High school came and I got busy and she and I were in very few classes together but the comments really didn’t stop. They got more infrequent but they didn’t hurt any less.

It’s been almost 30 years and the sting is still there.

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Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living

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My daughter has brought so much joy to my life.

She came to us after several years of bad mojo and after actively pursuing pregnancy.

From the day she was born, she has been a complete joy.

Before she was born, or even before I was pregnant, I was entering a phase in my life where I just didn’t know what to do. I was in a job I wasn’t particularly happy in, that I didn’t get a great deal of satisfaction from. I was at a point where I either had to suck it up and stick with where I was or quit and go do something else.

But then I got pregnant and I knew I wanted to be a mom.

I’m going to say that my daughter made my life worth living, but rather that she helped me find the direction I wanted to go in…

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Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do

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I never want to live without my husband.

He has been with me through some of the most painful moments of my life and has stuck with me like GLUE.

I have given him so many chances to get away from me and my drama but he has stuck with me.

How do you express how much you love another human being without sounding hokey?

I don’t love to breathe, but I can’t live without it. So I have nothing to compare it with.

I love everything about this man. EVERY SINGLE THING.

I love him so much that it absolutely frightens me sometimes.

The thought of ever living without him is my greatest nightmare.

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Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life

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I eventually want to go back to school for my master’s degree and possibly one day a PhD.

In what you ask?

Either history or religious studies. Yep, I said that.

I have no idea what I want to do with this education. I am not real sure what you can do with with a master’s degree in history besides get into education…

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I gotta lay down after this…

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So yesterday, at 22 weeks, 6 days pregnant, I found out the gender of my unborn child.

The afternoon started with a trip to my OBGYN and a meeting with midwife April. She’s a sweet thing. She was very informative, immediately found the baby’s heart beat and noted that I have consistently been losing weight since starting my care with this pregnancy. This led to a discussion of diet and gestational diabetes.

Friends, my glucose readings suck. HARD. Fasting goal is 70-95. I haven’t been below 112 since I started taking readings a few weeks ago.

We also discussed c-sections again and she said that a GD (gestational diabetes) diagnosis makes it more likely that we’ll schedule at 38 weeks instead of 39. Basically, as soon as we get a good amniocentesis, the OB’s are gonna wanna get Nugget out of there.

It was a good visit with great blood pressure readings (118/60) and I came away feeling pretty good.

Then I had an hour before my next appointment. Since both offices are in the same building and are, in fact, on the same floor, I went to the car and lay down for 45 minutes. It was quite refreshing.

10 minutes before my next appointment time, I go to the perinatologist’s office and plunk down cash for my co-pay. They do not have change, so I have to go down to the first floor pharmacy to break a $20. They will not make change unless you buy something, so I buy a bottle of water. A $2.00 bottle of water. This is not making me happy.

So I go back up, settle my account and wait. 10 minutes later, a very sweet young lady comes to get me. She gets my weight and sits me down for a blood pressure reading. This time, it’s 122/72 – still perfect.

She asks me about my foot. I explained that I had surgery and give them a list of the pain medication that I’m still taking and the cream I’m putting on it nightly. No comments about the pain pill, but they want to look up the cream.

Then it’s off to the ultrasound room for the BIG SCAN. The SCAN that tells you everything from if the heart looks good to if your baby has kidneys.

The tech has some trouble with baby. Baby is butt down but facing my back and not interested in turning around. It emphatically waves it’s arms and kicks when she uses a giant vibrator to see if we can get it to move. I get up, sit back down, turn onto both sides trying to get the little booger to move a little bit so we can see it’s face.

Nugget is not having any of it.

It’s noted that my amniotic fluid is low. Not dangerously low, but low enough that they want me to be sure that I DRINK A GALLON OF WATER EVERY DAY. Yes, I said gallon. I’m also supposed to rest, but not bedrest. Just rest. I’m also supposed to lay on my left side as much as possible instead of my right to give the Nugget as much flow as possible.

And then, they showed me the goodies. My child’s goodies that is. Nugget was in just the right position after I turned over 23 times that we could clearly see the gender.

Y’all, I am having a BOY. A boy! Me! Soon to be mother to a BOY!

What in the world am I going to do with a boy? Besides the fact that everything I have is pink or a pretty shade of purple, I’ve only got about 4 things that would be suitable.

Luckily, I hit a yard sale that one of my friends in my Mom’s Club a couple weeks ago and got a good number of gender neutral things. So the kid won’t be completely naked.

BUT IT’S GOT A WOO WOO! NOT A HOO-HA. I know how hoo-ha’s work. I don’t know how woo-woo’s work.

Oh, and did you know that little boys regularly get erections while in utero? And that their little penises (penii?) float?

Floating weiners maybe something you know about, but it was completely new information to me.

Posted in Mama Chick, Pregnancy

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone else for

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When my father passed away a few years ago, I was basically disowned by his whole family.

I won’t go into details because I don’t know all of them, I only know my side. As far as I can tell, my offense was disagreeing with them. Being his daughter, they should have expected me to ask questions. Being his daughter, they should have expected me to raise doubts and want more information.

The result is that they cut the ties with me. The result is that they are not part of my life or my daughter’s life.

In some ways, I have been hurt beyond anything you can imagine.

And I need to let it go and forgive.

My faith tells me that hurt like this can eat you alive. I pray regularly to forgive. I pray to receive peace about this.

Posted in Hyppychick

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

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Back on day one, I talked about things I hate about myself and it’s the fact that I dwell on things. One of the things I dwell on sometimes is an argument I had with my father about a year before he died.

At the time, my grandmother (mom’s mother) was ill and she was fighting tooth and nail to survive. She was an insulin dependent diabetic and was slowly going into kidney failure. Over the course of about 2 years, she was in and out of the hospital, in and out of doctor’s offices and I had called 911 on more than one occasion when she was lapsing into heart failure because of a build up of fluids in and around her heart (see kidney failure).

My dad on the other hand, was a diabetic and it was more or less under control but he had some foot issues that needed addressing. Diabetics can have a terrible time with their feet if they aren’t careful and my dad had had one thing after another for about 5 years.

In some diabetics, blood sugars can react dramatically to stress and sickness. A diabetic who uses diet alone can get a terrible cold and end up in a diabetic coma because the illness aggravates the glucose levels. My dad was one of those people. As long as we watched over his feet and he stayed healthy, his blood sugar was great.

But that’s the problem: we’d get his feet healed up and then he’d wear a new pair of shoes and end up with a blister. A blister that when not treated or monitored would turn into an ulcer and then we were back at the hospital, back at the wound care clinic, back on meds to control his sugar. But here’s the thing: he wouldn’t check his feet daily, so by the time he noticed that there’s a gaping, oozing hole on the bottom of his foot, he’s running a 104 fever and wondering why he’s sick.

So Mom and I had to take on watching over his feet daily. He just wouldn’t do it. If I were home when he took off his shoes, I’d have to literally go into the living room where he’s watching tv and check his feet. Mom would do it when I was away or working late.

On one such evening, I noticed a spot, applied the ointment prescribed by the doctor and told him to make an appointment to see the doctor.

Next day, he said he forgot, so I made the appointment. He skipped out on the appointment. Etc etc etc. This went on for about 3 weeks – meanwhile, this spot is turning into an ulcer and I am treating it to the best of my ability and scheduling and rescheduling his appointments right, left, and sideways.

What ultimately happened was that he ended up losing his leg right below the knee. YES IT WAS THAT SERIOUS!!!

Could they have saved it if he’d gone in earlier? I don’t know. I only know that at that moment, I was angry with him. Angrier than I have ever been with anyone in my whole life.

And during a conversation where he was feeling sorry for himself, I said the thing that haunts me to this day.

I said: “It’s like you asked for this. You didn’t do anything to help me save your foot. You deserve it.”

I wasn’t immediately sorry that I said it. I had to let the anger burn a little more before I could apologize to him and even then it had done it’s damage and had seriously damaged my relationship with him.

When he died a few months later, those were the words that burned in my brain at his service. Not the memories I had of being daddy’s girl or the fun we had when I was a kid. It was one angry, careless moment.

There’s not much else in my life that I regret , but this is a biggie.

Posted in Hyppychick

Day 2: Something you love about yourself

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I love my life.

I have the best husband, the best daughter, the best in-laws, the best friends anyone could ask for.

I’m not satisfied with where I am, but I’m really very happy.

I love my optimism. When irritating stuff happens, I just figure it’s a short irritation and move on with my life.

I love my sense of humor.

I routinely make myself laugh and can usually get someone else to laugh. I would far rather be the person who brings a little levity than the person who’s always solemn and quiet.

Posted in Hyppychick

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

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This is a tough subject. We’re all so hard on ourselves and can usually pick out a hundred things wrong with us. But how do you choose just one?

I decided that the thing I hate the most about myself is that I tend to dwell on things and bring them up over and over and over again.

Most times, I need to let it go and let God take care of the problem or I need to forgive someone or myself.

I’ll be talking more about this in a couple of days….

Posted in Hyppychick

Nervous Breakdowns are Highly Underrated

ACK!!! This one didn’t get posted yesterday on the 29th!!! I still had it sitting in drafts!!! SORRY!

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