That's it. I need you to pack your shit and get out. Out of my head. Out of my domain. Just out. I am tired of you telling me that I am not good enough. I am tired of you degrading and demeaning me and my self worth. I am funny. I am clever. and most of all, I do have something to say.
*** Contains strong language***
Oh I know how you operate now. You let me get an idea in my head. You allow me to get all excited at how I can use this idea to reach my goals and then you let me even work on the project, figure out all the logistics and then WHAMMO! You throw up an obstacle that I don't know how to surmount. You make sure when I figure out some way that the project won't be scalable or possible without a boatload of staff. You make sure that I figure out that the project won't even be profitable. You like to point out that I'll have to give up time with my husband and children to be successful.
When I was 9 year old, I wrote an essay about my dog. My teacher told me that I was the best writer in my grade and that with training, I could be an excellent writer. How clever you were to slip in my parents' heads that evening and help them put me in my place when I told them that I was the best in my class! Nobody makes money as a writer, they told me. No one but a very lucky person can get published! Your mother never got any of her work published did she? What makes you think you can get your work published? Oh no, little 9 year old, go back to your fantasies of working in an office and forget being creative. We aren't creative people! Only starving artists can do that!
Well that's it buster. I have ideas in this head of mine. PROFITABLE ideas at that. I have ideas that will help me and others too. I have stuff in my head that will help me to reach my goals.
I'm putting together tools and community right now. I am mapping out time and resources. I'm putting together all kinds of ways to get around you because I am able to reach these goals. Your time abiding between my ears is over and I will only listen to the things that help me and further my progress. I only see things that help me overcome obstacles. I only feel things that conducive to keeping me in a happy mood. I have plenty of time with my husband and children despite the work that will get done.
You are kaput and over. I will talk to that 9 year old and tell her to write about whatever she wants. I will tell her to be as creative as she likes. She has some practicing to do and as she practices, she will get better and better. She will be able to pull ideas out of her head. You've convinced her that she can't write creatively. I have a hunch that if she practices that she will come up with some awesome and amazing ideas.
So pack your shit. Pack your self-doubt. Pack your bad attitude. Especially pack your quiet whispers of "Why do you think you're so special?"
Dammit I am special. I have great ideas. Now stand back and watch me. But don't let the door hit you on the ass as you go out the door.
Writing Goals
Homeschool
- 11 posts for the homeschool blog
- 5 posts for the travel blog
Homeschool
- Math: Finish current unit and test
- Reading: Finish 10 lessons with extra practice in between
- Social Studies: Studying South America this month. I also signed the kids up for Little Passports (http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?B=789372&U=518790&M=32333&urllink=) and I expect the package for that to come in sometime mid-month.
- Literature: We're spending the bulk of this month attempting the reading of Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House in the Big Woods. We tried reading it last year but there was so much they didn't understand that I spent more time during reading time explaining why they didn't have electricity or running water or why they had to make their own butter (why not just go to the store mama?). I'm thinking that they might have a better understanding now.
Monthly Report for February 2016
Travel Agent Biz
No sales but my client who booked last month paid for her trip in full. I also had another couple of clients pay in full. There's a discrepancy with one of my paid-in-full client's file. Our booking company says it's not paid and the vendor says it is.
Blogging
5 posts on homeschool blog - needed 10.
0 posts on the travel blog. I needed 10. I have tons written.. why haven't I posted?
1 post on personal blog.
Homeschooling
Very successful this month. The new reading program continues to be popular. We took one of our mandated breaks at the end of the month. It's nice to take a little break.
Personal
Got our tax refund and paid off all debts except the house and car. YAY!! I hate having debt. Also, we paid off our own travel that's coming up this spring. It's awesome to pay off your vacation in advance. Then you can relax and enjoy instead of worrying about how much stuff costs. Heck I even prepaid gratuities.
I also subscribed to Flylady Premium. I'll post more about that in a separate post.
Health
I finally got in to see a primary care doctor. I wasn't able to get an appointment with my usual PC until the end of February so I went to someone who was physically closer, was highly recommended by a friend, AND could see me within a week of making the appointment. I'm not ready to share the results of the consultation but suffice it to say, there's not much wrong with me that increasing my good habits and increased exercise won't help. My hearing is almost back to normal and I'm getting stronger. The whole thing has kicked me in the tail and I've already made some changes in my diet and lifestyle that will hopefully help.
Travel Agent Biz
No sales but my client who booked last month paid for her trip in full. I also had another couple of clients pay in full. There's a discrepancy with one of my paid-in-full client's file. Our booking company says it's not paid and the vendor says it is.
Blogging
5 posts on homeschool blog - needed 10.
0 posts on the travel blog. I needed 10. I have tons written.. why haven't I posted?
1 post on personal blog.
Homeschooling
Very successful this month. The new reading program continues to be popular. We took one of our mandated breaks at the end of the month. It's nice to take a little break.
Personal
Got our tax refund and paid off all debts except the house and car. YAY!! I hate having debt. Also, we paid off our own travel that's coming up this spring. It's awesome to pay off your vacation in advance. Then you can relax and enjoy instead of worrying about how much stuff costs. Heck I even prepaid gratuities.
I also subscribed to Flylady Premium. I'll post more about that in a separate post.
Health
I finally got in to see a primary care doctor. I wasn't able to get an appointment with my usual PC until the end of February so I went to someone who was physically closer, was highly recommended by a friend, AND could see me within a week of making the appointment. I'm not ready to share the results of the consultation but suffice it to say, there's not much wrong with me that increasing my good habits and increased exercise won't help. My hearing is almost back to normal and I'm getting stronger. The whole thing has kicked me in the tail and I've already made some changes in my diet and lifestyle that will hopefully help.
Monthly Report for January 2016
Travel Agent Biz
Made 1 sale this month. Not what I'd like 6 months in but I'm hoping that momentum will start. Goal for next month is 2 sales.
Blogging
6 posts on homeschool blog - needed 10.
0 posts on the travel blog. I needed 10. Why am I avoiding it?
2 posts on personal blog. Much improved. I need to use this to channel some of my thoughts.
Homeschooling
Pretty successful this month. We started the new reading curriculum and little girl really likes it.
Personal
We stayed on budget but everything is very tight. Got our taxes done and electronically filed. Plans are to pay off debts and that will relieve a LOT of stress.
Slowly, like a predator creeping up on prey. Like a slithering creature slipping up behind me, an anaconda about to crush me in it's grip.
I'm not talking about a real creature. It's all in my head. But it's there. The elephant in the room. Oh so many metaphors for depression and anxiety.
I got sick December 12 with the flu. For 10 days, I had the flu but it wasn't THAT bad.
Fever, body aches, headache, sneezing, coughing, oh my God the coughing.
On December 22, I felt a lot better. The fever was gone. The coughing was subsiding. I had slight pressure in my sinuses and ears but I figured that would resolve itself in a couple of days. And then it didn't.
On December 23, I was awakened with an earache. A very bad earache in my right ear. After 12 hours, my ear "popped" and then it was completely stuffed up. I went to Urgent Care, got a course of antibiotics to deal with the double ear infection, upper respiratory infection, and a "little" pneumonia.
Later that night, the left ear started up and did a similar thing, but this time, my ENT thinks that when it "popped" at 3am, that it actually ruptured.
I lost most of my hearing then and Christmas was horrible. I couldn't sleep because the tinnitus in my ears was so bad. I couldn't hear what people said to me so I mostly remained silent. I went to see the new Star Wars movie but didn't enjoy it because I couldn't hear it and didn't know what was going on.
My hearing is getting better. My ENT is pleased that the infection in my right ear is nearly gone and is mostly gone in my left ear. My hearing is still impaired in my left however due to some "debris" on my ear drum as a result of all the yuckiness.
It should improve and we're watching but still.. just ugh.
Bad things happen when I retreat into my head. I get paranoid. I turn into a hypochondriac too.
Things are getting better with my ear but I'm still in my head.
Money is tight with all the doctor visits and medicines. Then I went for a follow up with my gastro doc and she changed my medicine so there's more expense I wasn't planning for.
There's just a lot of stress right now and I'm wigging out and feeling out of control.
I know things will get better soon. I just have to hang on.
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